Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Prom Night Jitters | | | QUESTION | | | | My daughter is 17. Her senior prom is fast approaching. She anticipates staying out ALL night, doing pretty much as she pleases. "Dad, it's the biggest night of the year!" is her response to my saying that making the prom an all-nighter may not be a good idea. We hava agreed to defer a final decision on protocol for prom night until late this month. What do I do? She normally has a 1 a.m. curfew and is generally a very well behaved kid. Should I suspend the rules this one time? Unfortunately, her school is not one of those that plans supervised after-prom parties. The kids are pretty much on their own. (I remember what I did on this "very special night" nearly 30 years ago, and it wasn't pretty.) I need a plan. Thanks for your help. — Apprehensive Dad | | | ANSWER |
April 18, 2002 | | | Dear Apprehensive Dad,
Prom night brings into sharp focus a lot of the anxieties we parents deal with all the time our children are growing up. There's a sense (not completely unjustified) that after a child goes off to college, our responsibilities as parents to police their activities--frankly, to keep them from engaging in sexual behaviors and alcohol or drug use--come to an end. But for one last night, prom night, they are still "kids," still ours to protect and guide. For them, there is still the hassle and the thrill of breaking free from parental control, without the insecurity of truly being on their own.
As you know, the stakes are high. Particularly on special occasions like prom night, adolescents, who are already prone to believe that they are invulnerable, often act as though nothing bad can happen to them, whatever risks they take. However, the laws of nature are not suspended for prom night. Cars still crash when driven by drunk or stoned drivers. Girls still get pregnant when a couple doesn't abstain from sex or use contraception. AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases still get passed from partner to partner. On a less dire level, teens still can do things that cause them tremendous social embarrassment or regret later because their judgment is impaired by drugs or alcohol. It's realistic to be concerned.
But along with the danger, there is also an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow from this experience. If you have been talking with your teenager about sex and have established that you are a reasonable, reliable, askable parent, your job will be much easier. You're in a great position to help your adolescent make a reasonable assessment of the risks involved and plan a course of action that will minimize those risks while still ensuring a good time. In other words, this is a chance for you to help strengthen your daughter's self-protective abilities. (The same holds for sons, too, of course.)
I think it's important for you to trust your daughter's good sense--and to let her know that you trust her. At the same time, you need to know that she is aware of the potential risks, and has thought through what she will do about them. Specifically:- Sex. You don't need to know all of the details, of course, but you should help your daughter think through her decisions regarding sex; that is, has she decided on virginity until marriage, or on sex under certain circumstances, or is she still in the "maybe" category? Her position on this issue, of course, determines what her level of preparedness needs to be. I think that the teens who are most at risk are the ones who aren't clear about their own feelings, and find themselves giving in to urges (biological or social) under the pressure of a "special" night. Talking ahead of time can avoid this. It's reasonable and important that you communicate your values (as, ideally, you've done all along!), while at the same time acknowledging that the actual control is now in your child's hands.
- Alcohol and drugs. Some proms and after-prom festivities are planned to be alcohol free. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though your daughter's is. The greatest risk, by far, is drinking and driving. I think you need to be very clear about the rules here, and about your own willingness to serve as a driver at any time of the evening, no questions asked. It can be quite hard to judge whether the person who says he's "fine to drive" really is or not. So there has to be a planned designated driver for the night, either a reliable kid or (ideally) a parent. Having a plan in place ahead of time will minimize the risk to your daughter and her friends, and help you to relax.
- Curfew. Different families will handle this differently. Some parents are inclined to lay down the law (and may be upset when their adolescents decide to break it); others are more flexible. For most teens, I think the best approach is to negotiate and compromise. Your daughter wants to stay out all night and watch the sun rise with her closest high school friends. You want to make sure that she's safe. Both of your positions have merit. In this era of cell phones, communication is pretty easy, really. Perhaps she would be willing to phone in every two to three hours after 1 AM (or take your call) to reassure you, with the understanding that if you don't hear, you're going to be very worried and upset. Perhaps you can reach some other compromise. I believe that teens who feel that their parents listen to them and respect their judgment do, in fact, act more responsibly.
Finally, with respect to what you did on your prom night: Times change. Adolescents still take risks, of course, but we parents may be more open to talking and listening, more knowledgeable, and less rigidly dogmatic than before. And therefore, I think we can be more helpful to our adolescent children as they negotiate the transition to adulthood.
I hope that your daughter has a wonderful and safe prom night, and I hope that you are able to get through the evening with a minimum of worry.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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