Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
|
|
 Ask Dr. Needlman
Nine-Year-Old Won't Listen to Parents | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have an intelligent, beautiful nine-year-old daughter who answers "no" every time I or my husband try to be authoritive (i.e. going to bed, which is a nightmare and which turns into a screaming match). She has two siblings (she's the middle one), but receives a lot of attention from both my hubby and I and is considered a terrific, outgoing kid at school...except she's the devil incarnate when asked to do something at home. Please help me, as threats, groundings--you name it--do not appear to work. I am truly at the end of my rope! Thanks so much.— Marcie in Winnipeg, Manitoba | | | ANSWER |
June 13, 2001 | | | Dear Marcie,
It sounds as though you are loving parents (you start out by paying your daughter a very nice compliment!), and I'm guessing that your household in general is a reasonably peaceful and cooperative one. You expect your middle daughter to fit in with this pattern, but she insists on breaking it. In doing that, she carves out a special place for herself in the family: the "noncompliant child."
On the positive side, you know that she is capable of following the rules--she does at school. So her insistence on opposing authority at home is a behavior that she has learned, or a behavior that fulfills some need of hers. It should also, therefore, be a behavior that can change. Before it can change, however, your daughter will need to find a different role for herself in your family. That means that everyone else in the family will need to change as well.
Since your sensible, reasonable attempts to get your daughter to be more agreeable have failed, it's probably time to get extra help. Simple advice won't do the trick, because the problem is not simple. In cases like this, I find that consulting with a skilled family therapist often works wonders.
Look on our site for a collection of articles titled Family Relationships that explains more about family dynamics and family therapy. Your child's doctor or nurse practitioner should also be able to help you find a family therapist. — by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
|
