Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Teaching a Toddler to Sleep in His Own Bed | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have an 18-month-old son who from the time he was born has always slept in his own bed. Never a problem. However, about a month ago he developed pneumonia and was running a very high fever. So, as a concerned mother, I put him in bed with us. Needless to say, his pneumonia resolved but his need to sleep with us has not.
He screams for at least 30 minutes when I put him down at night, then, inevitably, he wakes up at night and screams until I go get him. He goes back to sleep if I hold him but immediately wakes up when I put him in his bed. So, I ultimately put him in bed with us.
HELP!!— Kathy in LaPorte, Texas | | | ANSWER |
May 29, 2001 | | | Dear Kathy,
Yours is a very, very common dilemma. You handled your son's illness appropriately, but now you are left with a stubborn problem. It is very common for toddlers to respond to a serious illness by developing a sleep problem.
There is a lot of controversy about the merits and dangers of co-sleeping. The bottom line is that families can make it work either way. You clearly have decided that your son needs to sleep in his own bed. Your son, like most young children, disagrees!
It is perfectly all right for this to be a unilateral decision by you, the parents. You may worry that your child will feel lonely or rejected, but that's not really a risk. He is at an age when separations can be difficult, but he is also at an age when he has many internal resources that he can draw on. Most importantly, he was able to sleep independently until very recently. So you know he can learn to again.
I only know of two ways to solve this problem. Both approaches work. Both involve you and your husband deciding, absolutely, that your son needs to sleep in his own bed every night. The fast method is to tell your son that from now on he needs to sleep in his own bed, then put him to bed, and leave. Expect him to cry as much as an hour or more the first night. Usually, the crying tapers off after three or four nights and stops completely by a week.
Some parents who are uncomfortable with letting their children cry that long go in to the child's bedroom every 20 to 30 minutes. That's fine, as long as you don't stay more than about 20 seconds, don't try to calm your child all the way down, and certainly don't take him into your bed. If you give in even once you make the process of teaching him to go to sleep quietly in his own bed much more difficult.
The slower approach involves your sitting in your child's room without interacting, both at bedtime and in response to the mid-night waking; gradually, you move further and further away, until you are out of the room altogether. This approach is often harder for parents to pull off. For one thing, there's a lot of sitting and doing nothing else. For another thing, the crying tends to go on for longer.
Although it's easy to say "let him cry," I don't mean to suggest that this is a simple problem. Many parents find it almost impossible to bear listening to their child crying. If there is some reason you feel your child cannot be exposed to the frustration of being left alone at night, you might want to consult with his doctor. Sometimes having a supportive doctor on the team can help parents do what they need to do.
For much more on this, and related topics, see the Sleep Problems section of the site.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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