Re: only child, lonley child?

March 14, 2010

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AUTHOR:

ALIB

DATE: 06/13/01 1:12pm

SUBJECT:

Re: only child, lonley child?

IN REPLY TO: only child, lonley child?
AUTHOR: gerber

I am 54, and an only child, and I have an only child. My father was an only child. My mother had one sister and one brother, but neither ever married, so I am the only grandchild on both sides. I have NEVER been lonely a day in my life, but it was certainly not because I was doted upon by any of them. One of the things that people miss when trying to figure out how "only-ness" affects children, is that people often only have one child because, frankly, they're not that crazy about children! When they have one, they love that one, but they still have their own lives and interests and the child is not the focus of everyone's attention. I enjoyed unconditional love, and the normal sometimes good/sometimes not so good relationships with my parents growing up, but nobody showered me with attention. I was just an equally loved and respected member of the family, period.

I truly enjoy my time alone with myself. I think this is important, because, in reality, we ARE by ourselves. Having other people in our lives is subject to the winds of change. The one constant we have in life, is ourselves, so only children have the opportunity to learn that truth early in life, which I believe is extremely realistic and healthy. To feel comfortable being by yourself and not base your happiness on being with others helps a child to be discerning about the company they keep. They are not so needy that they bring people into their lives just to keep them from being lonely. I think it's great for kids to have plenty of playtime with other kids, but it is also very important for them to learn to be by themselves and learn to be independent. This can be a real gift that only-ness can bring.

I have known some people who have great relationships with their sibs, and others can't stand them. I have seen terrible things happen to families when the parents die, and frankly, I am so glad I'll never have to deal with that. I adore my parents, and I am happy to be there for them, as they have always been there for me. Even though they have never doted on me, I have always had the very secure feeling of being totally loved and accepted - no feelings of "they love her/him better than me". No hangups to get over for the rest of my life about that! My son says he has never felt lonely, and has never felt the need or desire for brothers or sisters. I always say that I am fortunate because I get to pick my "family" and only deal with people who bring real value to my life. I have absolutely wonderful friends, who are like family.

The bottom line, is whatever is best for you and your husband will be best for your child. If you have a well balanced life that you love, your child will have a wonderful model for life, and children who learn to be alone and enjoy it are, in my opinion, truly blessed because they have learned independence. That means they never bring someone into their lives just for the sake of keeping them from being lonely.

There is absolutely no reason to be nervous or scared about this. If you're scared and worried oor feel guilty about it, that feeling will transfer to your child and he/she will begin to feel that something must be wrong and the child will have a "I don't know why, but there is something wrong with my life - I must need something else" which will cause a problem in and of itself. Bottom line, it's YOUR decision and no one elses. Don't let anyone put a guilt trip on you for your decision, and best of luck!

MESSAGES

only child, lonley child?

gerber

05/15/01 02:47pm