 | I wrote this last July, but I think it needs reiteration:
I've noticed often on this message board that someone will post a question such as, "Should I have sex with my boyfriend?"--the replies usually run the gamut of "Don't do it. You'll regret it. Save it for your future husband. Premarital sex is wrong." to "Do whatever you want. Whatever feels good is great. Just do it."
Maybe it's a bit relativist or postmodern of me, but I feel that when people ask advice, we should not be imposing our values but trying to understand the values and position of the person asking for the advice. For example, it makes no sense to say, "You shouldn't have sex before marriage because the Bible says it's wrong," unless the original post-er writes, "I am a Bible-believing Christian and would like to know what other Bible-believing Christians think. I happen to believe in the Bible myself, but if the original post-er is an atheist, what does she care what the Bible says?
The other temptation to avoid on these message boards is the assumption of post-ers that all girls, guys, etc. could possibly feel the same way about blowjobs, pubic hair, girls, guys, dress, sexual behavior, etc. ("Do guys like girls with skimpy outfits?") What one person finds gross (say, rimming or fisting) another may find extremely arousing. Yes, there may be some general trends, but if you like golden showers and 99% of the people out there think the behavior perverted, abnormal, and immoral... well, if you can find that 1% that also happen to dig golden showers, you may have found a soulmate.
Express your opinions, but express YOUR opinions. Please resist the urge to make your reply sound as if it springs from a shared value when it doesn't.
Oh, and I can already anticipate the, "What right do you have to say what we can or can't say on this message board? First amendment! Practically unmonitored posting! Leave us alone, you censor!" To that I reply, "I have a right to say what I want as well, and I'm not demanding anything or forcing anyone to do anything. I am making a reasonable and logical plea to my fellow message board post-ers. You can disagree with me if you like."
My other plea is that people take the time to spell words correctly. It doesn't mean all spelling and grammar have to be perfect (though that would be nice) in posts, but careless typing of messages can be distracting and can often obscure the meaning of the post. Also, post titles that are specific ("My boyfriend won't go down on me"); they're more helpful to those of us reading through the subject headings than those that are general ("Please help!" or "I'm confused").
Another random note: There seems to be quite a preoccupation with being "normal" or a "virgin." My own personal opinion that you don't have to agree with: Who cares if you're normal? Really.
And, there is no hard-and-fast definition of "virginity." Yes, some smart alec may find a dictionary definition, but, as we all should know, dictionary definitions sometimes do not fully appreciate the nuances of practical usage (don't believe me? look up "sarcasm," "sect," or "conniving" in the dictionary). If you're concerned that future mates will think you spoiled material, simply tell them what you have done in detail. They can make up their own minds as to whether your actions were justified or not.
Also, if you're a teen and you're wondering why "no one" likes you or wants to be your boyfriend or girlfriend, just put more energy into being yourself, finding yourself, being passionate, courageous, and eventually someone worthwhile will find you attractive, trust me. |
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