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| | | NEXT MESSAGE  | | | | | AUTHOR: | wellred | DATE: 01/07/04 3:42pm | | SUBJECT: |  Difficulty with step-parent role | | | I have been with a wonderful man for close to two years, and we are thinking of getting married. He has two shared-custody children: a 7 yr. old boy, and a 9 yr. girl. They are both great kids, but I know very little about children, have never particularly even liked kids, and I never wanted any of my own.
And yet, here I am, on the brink of being a 'family'. Their dad is a very warm, affectionate person, which is part of what I love about him, but I was raised in a very austere home, and affection doesn't come naturally to me at all. I find it difficult to be natural with the children - whether it's just trying to have a chat with them, or hugging them good-bye, I'm always very awkward about it.
It really bothers me when I see them meet someone for the first time who is really good with kids, and right away, they're completely comfortable with the person. I think my awkward behavior makes them awkward with me as well. Because of this, I think, they always turn to their father for everything whenever I'm around. He'll suggest that the kids ask me instead, but they never do. Clearly, they haven't accepted me as an alternate care-giver, and I don't blame them. I don't know how to assume the role at all, and the kids sense it.
I want with all my heart for them to feel that my role in their dad's life is a good and positive thing for them. But I don't appear to have been born with any instincts for parenting at all, and I feel very inadadequate and sad about this. At my worst moments, I think maybe I should end this relationship, because maybe their dad can find someone who is more kid friendly than I am, who can warm to them the way they deserve.
As a final point, I feel horrible to even express this, but sometimes I find myself feeling jealous when the kids monopolize their dad's time, even though I know it's terrible for me to feel this way. Sometimes it even feels as if his daughter is trying to compete with me for her dad's affections, although I always back off right away, and make sure she gets the spotlight. Still, sometimes when I'm standing there (woodenly, as usual), watching him cuddle with the kids, I feel left out and resentful. What an awful thing to admit - I never thought I was the kind of person who would ever resent children who just wanted their dad's love!
All of this is why I'm having serious insecurities about moving forward in this relationship. Part of me hopes and prays that if we got married and we all lived together, I would get more relaxed with the kids, and it would all come together naturally, in time. I do have some good moments with them, like when his daughter takes my hand when we're all walking together, or his son shows me the picture he's drawn, and sincerely wants to know what I think. At those moments, I think, maybe I can do this.
But...what if I can't? What if those nurturing instincts never kick in? What if I can never be comfortably affectionate with them? I really want the best for these kids, because I think they're great. But what if the best for them, isn't me?????
Broken Step | |  | |
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