 | Unforunatly, you sound like a kind-hearted person. This can be bad when you have a parasite you need to get rid of. It is great and all to have compassion for her, but not at the risk of your own health and happiness.
What do you want out of your friendship with her? Would you like more space? Would you like her to start paying for her own things? Tell her. It isn't as hard-hearted as it sounds. Just get her by herself and explain to her that you think she is a great person, but that she isn't the only person in your life. Explain that you want more time alone with other friends, like your boyfriend. Explain to her that you do not think it is fair to have to pay her way when you go do stuff together. Advise her that if she wants to go do something with you, to plan for it and save money. That is what you do when you want to do stuff. At this point she will give you her sob story about how terrible her life is and how incapable she is of any of this. Tell her that you believe in her and that you know that she can be whatever she wants to be. Explain to her that she doesn't need you to make herself happy. Give her a pep-talk and avoid commenting on the issues she brings up. She only does this to divert the negitive attention off her. She probably has some "the world owes me something" mentality because of her family condition, but the world (nor you) owe her anything. Everyone has problems they have to get through. It is no excuse to depend on someone else to solve them. But, like I said, do not address her issues. Do what I like to call partial-agreement. She says, " well, I have no money to save and it's not fair that you get to go do stuff and I don't. You do not have a mother that is sick. I do. You should want to help me, not tell me that I am not being responsible for my own money." To seem like you are agreeing with her WITHOUT actually agreeing with her, you might say, "Yeah, it certainly seems that it is unfair that you should be stuck with a sick mother. I know that you'd like to have more free time away from her" You've made her feel validated and have not admitted that you should be the one responsible at giving her that free time. You can follow that up by saying that it is not fair to you to always have to give her money when it is you that worked hard for it, then remind her that you are trying to save money to buy that thing you have been wanting (make something up if you cannot think of something. It isn't lying because we all want something, and you have to save for it to get it) Give her suggestions about what jobs she can do around the neighborhood or even taking a "real" job at McDonald's or a book store or whatever. She is not an invalid. She can work just as hard as you can.
The point is, you can be a good friend to her without being her gaurdian. Do you know what I mean? You have to be sensitive when broaching the topic at first. If she doesn't accept these terms, then decide if you want to not stay friends with her or if you want to become even more insistant on her giving you space. It is up to you how you deal with it. Figure out what you think is best for you, not her. It is her job to do things in her best interest, not yours. You are not married to her, nor is she your daughter. She is your friend, and it is about time she started acting like it. |
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