 | Jim, I haven't heard back from you since I last wrote. I am not sure if that means anything or not, but I wanted you to know that you have been very much on my mind today. I actually came back to the site to read more of your postings and went back into other chains you posted messages on. I think I gained a broader perspective on who you are and it helped me understand the things you wrote that didn't make sense to me. I really hated seeing "caring" people speak to you in ways that only succeeded in agitating you with their thinly veiled attacks. In this way, I identified with you so much- I feel like we are actually soldiers in arms. I felt very much that we have been/are fighting the same battle. I very much resent anyone telling me that I don't have the right to the cross I bear. Saying things like "you should let go of your anger" is like placing heat on a burn. My anger is my protection, and I have the RIGHT TO IT! It was handed to me and you paid for it with my childhood. I feel like telling people that say that to me that I will let go of my anger when they trade my parents for theirs (that were probably very caring, loving and supportive)and live for 15 years in my helpless, defenseless, confused, frustrated, imprisoned
shoes. Watch how quickly they would even TRY to understand what that was like. They can't, so they should shut their pie hole.
My guess is that you are in your late 20's early to mid 30's. If you are like me at all, you went through your late teens, early 20's trying to "earn" real love and acknowlegement from your "family", especially your parents. Now the painful truth is setting in. You were cheated, just like I was and you're mad. You have the right to be. You are now adjusting to how cruel the world really is based on what your parents taught you and others continue to confirm. You are not a person of value to those that you needed to be valued by the most. And NO ONE CAN EVER FILL THAT HOLE!
But, someone- at some point loved me, and allowed me to experience real care and what being loved and cared for felt like. When I finally embraced that person and acknowleged that little crumb of love and made a Meal out of it.... I FEASTED on it. I cling to that example. I live to duplicate that feeling for my children. I thank God that person gave me that crumb, that wonderful, dilectable, satisfying crumb that was the best meal I ever had. It was simple, it was honest, it was straighforward, it made me sit up straight and feel special and important, and worthwhile.
Someone did that for you too Jim, I know it. That's why your fighting so hard to find it again and why your really cheesed when the world keeps telling you "it's not there, get over it".
This board is the perfect place for you to find your voice and your feet. You're safe to express the things you need to say. Keep working your path Jim. I can promise you if you keep looking and stay open to learning the lessons that will come to you, you'll make it! |
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