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Teaching Nonviolence to Teens
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Sege, M.D., Ph.D.
"On the one hand, child rearing that has been loving, reasonably consistent, and fair is the best immunization against the epidemic of teen violence. But, given the pervasiveness of violence among teens, this problem requires special attention and care, even in the gentlest of families. It is quite clear that violent people are made, not born. The creation of a nonviolent society, then, begins in the home, in the family, with you."
--Dr. Benjamin Spock, Baby and Child Care, seventh edition
Helping your teen avoid and resolve conflict
The child peacefully minding his own business who becomes a victim of random violence makes a compelling news story. But the majority of children who become victims are themselves participants in violent acts. In other words, one of the best ways to keep your child safe from violence is to teach him how to settle conflicts nonviolently. You have to start young, and many of the suggestions for talking with school-age children about violence apply to teens as well.
Teens often justify fighting by claiming that they had "no other option." Probably, however, this is only really true in a very few cases. Most often, the problem is that the teen sees no other options, although they are there.
Here are some specific things you can do to help your own teen:- If you find out that your teenager has been in a fight, talk to him about how the fight started--not just how it ended. Allow the teen to tell his entire story, and try not to editorialize until after he has been heard. Then go back to the beginning. Explore when the fight became the only option: Could your child have walked away? Was an apology or a joke possible? If it happened at school, is there a peer mediation program that could have been invoked? In thinking these things through, probe what the child had to lose by fighting: Could he have been injured? Could he have been suspended from school? Could there have been an arrest? Was the fight worth it, at least from the point of view of your child?
- If your child faces violent situations in school or on the streets, help him practice words that can avoid a fight. Here are some examples that pediatrician Peter Stringham suggested in an issue of Behavioral and Developmental Pediatrics: "I don't have anything against you. This isn't worth fighting about. I don't want to fight with you. If you have a problem with me, I'll talk with you, but I won't fight with you."
- Don't keep a gun at home. Access to a gun in a moment of anger too often leads to tragedy. Many teens act on impulse, and may not see the long-term consequences of a fleeting urge to hurt, either others or themselves. If you feel you must own a gun, by all means store it unloaded in a locked drawer or box, with the ammunition locked up separately, and with a trigger lock in place
- Think about the level of anger in your home. Teens often specialize in making their parents mad. Still, if there is too much anger, it can raise the risk of violence. Do disagreements often escalate to shouting, swearing, or hitting? Although you cannot immediately change how your teenager argues, you should be able to take immediate control of yourself. If you feel you cannot control your own urges to belittle or hurt family members in anger, talk with your doctor. Once you recognize the problem as your own, you can get help for it.
- Finally, use events in the news to communicate your values. Often, talking to your child about actual incidents in which he or his friends have been involved will put him on the defensive. Using examples of violence that you've read about in the newspaper or seen on TV-or fictional violence depicted in a movie, video game, or even a music video-can help you avoid this pitfall. Let him know how you feel about violence. Talk about alternatives to violence, how it actually takes much more courage and intelligence to devise peaceful resolutions to conflict than to strike out. And ask him to look good and hard about the way death and suffering is offered up as "entertainment" in movies and video games. You shouldn't expect an immediate conversion-teens don't work like that-but you just might get him thinking.
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Created June 22, 2001
Reviewed August 21, 2001
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