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| |    Talking to Teens about Sexuality Makes a Difference by Debra W. Haffner, M.P.H., F.S.A.M. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Sexuality is of primary importance in the lives of most teenagers, and, consequently, a major source of worry for most of their parents. It is during the teen years that young people in America usually begin to seriously experiment with sexual behaviors. It is during the teen years that most people fall in love for the first time. And it is during the teen years that they develop a stronger sense of their own sexual identity, including their sexual orientation. Your job's not over My most important advice for parents of teens is to stay involved. Too many parents absent themselves from their children's lives once they enter high school: They stop setting limits for their teens' behaviors. They don't ask questions about where their children are going, or with whom. They go away for the weekend and leave the teens in the house alone. In fact, many parents don't talk much with their teens at all. But please understand that as a parent of a teen, your job's not done. Teenagers still need their parents. Even if they don't come right out and say it, they want to hear your values. They want you to help them make good decisions, and they want you to be involved with their lives. Just being there with your children at key times of the day--when they wake up, after school, at dinner, and at bedtime--makes a difference. But the most important factor is assuring that your teenage children feel loved and cared for. Sex ed: teenage style Despite what you might think, teens also want their parents to talk to them about sexuality. Roughly 9 in 10 teens say that they are glad to talk to their parents about alcohol and drugs, violence, AIDS, and sex. The same number say that their parents have given them good ideas on how to handle these issues in their lives. Yet, almost half of all American parents don't talk to their teens about romantic relationships, the decision to become sexually active, abstinence and contraception, or sexually transmitted diseases. Fewer still ever talk with their teens about masturbation, sexual orientation, orgasm, or sexual pleasure. Some parents are afraid that if they talk to their teens about sex, their children are more likely to have sexual intercourse. In fact, the research suggests just the opposite. When parents talk openly with their children about sexuality issues, their children are less likely to experiment with sexual behaviors and more likely to delay intercourse. Some studies suggest that when parents give their children clear messages that they should abstain from intercourse, their children are more likely to wait to have sexual intercourse until they are older. Your children need to know your values about abstinence and premarital sexual behaviors. They also need you to talk with them about how to set and communicate sexual limits with a boyfriend or girlfriend. In today's world, it is also essential that your children know that if they do have intercourse, whether or not you approve of their decisions, you want them to use contraception and condoms. Teenagers in love When teenagers are in love, there is a very strong likelihood that they are having, or are considering having, sexual intercourse. This makes it essential to talk with your teens about abstinence, contraception, condoms, setting sexual limits, and HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. But also share your values and thoughts about relationships--love, pleasure, intimacy, important qualities in a romantic partner--and your religious values. Showing respect Most important of all, make sure you are talking with your teens, not at them. I tell parents that what teenagers need most is a "good listening to." Look for teachable moments to introduce sexuality issues: news stories, television shows, movies, proms and dances, even clothes shopping. Teachable moments make it possible to bring up delicate topics like sexuality in a natural, conversational way-a great parenting technique, especially when dealing with lecture-phobic teens.
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