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| |    When New Parents Argue over Chores by Armin Brott reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Before you became parents, you and your wife probably talked about how having a baby would increase the amount of housework. But I'll bet you were way off on your estimates. Researchers have found that most new parents see an increase in dishwashing from once or twice a day to four times a day and in laundry from one load a week to four or five. Shopping trips grew from one to three times a week; meal preparation doubled from twice a day to four times daily; and household cleaning no longer took place once a week, but once a day. But wait, that's not all. When you factor in all the baby-related tasks, things really get out of control. You're going to need to change your baby at least six or seven times a day, clean her up a few times a day, get up at least two or three times a night, and simply soothe her four or five times during the day. Even the simplest tasks--from getting dressed in the morning to going to the bank--take five times longer than before your baby came along. As one new mom put it, the discrepancy between her pre-birth workload estimate and the post-birth reality was essentially the difference between "watching a tornado on TV and having one actually blow the roof off your house." After all that, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that about 90 percent of new parents experience an increase in stress after their babies are born. And the top stressor--by a huge margin--is the way mom and dad divvy up the household chores. Plans don't always pan out Maybe you and your wife agreed beforehand that you'd share responsibility for all the extra work the baby would require. And that's a good thing: Most people would agree that the more equitable the handling of domestic tasks, the happier the married couple. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case once the baby arrives. Sure, there are exceptions, but most of the time the woman ends up doing more housework than before she gave birth, and men do less than their wives predicted. In fact, according to researchers Phil and Carolyn Cowan, most new parents--despite their well-laid plans--slip into some kind of traditional division of labor. This is not to say that you're not interested in helping your family. In fact, a number of factors might be keeping you from adopting an equal role in the household:
So, what can you do to overcome these obstacles? Well, the first place to start is by jumping in to lend a hand. In our society, it's assumed that mothers are naturally good at parenting, while dads have to prove it. Fortunately, that isn't all that hard. Whatever parenting skills women have, they got on the job--and that's how you're going to get them, too. So don't pass up an opportunity to soothe your crying baby or change her diaper or take her to the park. And don't let anyone (including yourself) devalue the things you like doing with your kids. Men and women have different ways of interacting with their children, and both are equally important to your child's development. Wrestling, playing "monster," and all those other so-called guy things are just as important as the more stereotypical feminine approach that your wife may take (or want you to take). Be sure to communicate your needs For the long term, the most important thing you can do is to keep communicating with your wife. If you don't like the status quo, talk to her about it. But be gentle. If at first she seems reluctant to share the role of child nurturer with you, don't take it too personally. Men aren't the only ones who have received skewed societal messages. Many women have been raised to believe that if they aren't the primary caregivers, they've somehow failed as mothers. Give her the space to consider what you say, and she'll more than likely come to appreciate your offer and take you up on it.
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