Fatherhood and Changing Relationships

September 06, 2008

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Fatherhood and Changing Relationships

by Armin Brott
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.

Given how small they are, it's kind of amazing that babies can have such a huge impact on the lives of the adults around them. Just think, for example, about how different things are for you now compared to your pre-fatherhood life.

Simply by being born, your baby has already transformed you and your partner from a couple into parents, your siblings into aunts and uncles, and your parents and in-laws into (gasp) grandparents.

Even more amazing is the impact that babies have on the preexisting relationships between the adults in their lives. Babies can bring a couple together, for example, or they can create a lot of stress and divisiveness (or at least magnify it). They can reunite families and mend old wounds or they can open new ones. They can even change the nature of your friendships. Here are several examples of how this might play out.

You and your partner aren't going to be nearly as available for last-minute movies or double dates, and you might not be quite as happy to have friends drop by unannounced. And if, by some miracle, you do end up with a little down time, you're probably going to want to spend it sleeping or simply hanging out with your partner. As a result, some of your friends might feel a little neglected.

Your new, less-spontaneous lifestyle may especially impact your relationships with your single male friends. Having a new baby probably means fewer late-night poker games. Your buddies may stop calling you because they think you're too busy or not interested in hanging out with them anymore. Or you might stop calling them because seeing their relatively carefree and obligation-free lives may make you jealous.

You and your partner might find yourselves more interested in spending time with other parents in your general age range. You might find that you don't have quite as much in common anymore with your single or childless friends, and they might start feeling the same way, too.

Some of your friends who have been parents longer than you have might start getting on your nerves by remarking on every single thing they think you're doing wrong as a new father.

Certain male friends may be disdainful or unsupportive of your taking an active, involved role in your baby's life, having bought into the old stereotype that men should leave child-rearing up to their wives, or that putting your family first could have a negative impact on your career.

The older the child, the bigger the impact
At first, your baby will play with whomever you introduce her to; her first friends are most likely going to be your friends' kids. But as she gets older and starts showing interest in other children and making friends of her own, this will change, and you'll start socializing with the parents of her friends.

The good news is that this can help to widen your circle of friends and may even make some of your adult relationships last longer than they would have, because the kids like playing together. On the other hand, old friendships can sometimes be strained. Friends you used to spend a lot of time with when your babies were young may feel a little jealous of your new friends.

And then there's the strange dynamic that plays out with the parents of kids who don't get along as well as they used to: The kids' conflicts often affect the adults, who instinctively take their child's side and put the blame on the other kid's parents. It's a little childish, but you'd be surprised how often it happens. This kind of thing can get really ugly if one child hurts another.

In addition, your relationships with new and old friends may be subtly--or not so subtly--affected by competition. Let's face it: We all want our children to be the biggest, smartest, fastest, cutest, and funniest, and it's only natural (especially for guys) to get a little competitive. But letting that emotion get the best of you is not likely to keep your friendship close, so keep tabs on it (see below).

How to smooth out bumps along the way

Get a calendar and learn how to use it. Work out a schedule with your partner so that the two of you can get some time to yourselves as a couple and, if you can, as individuals--even if it's only for an hour or two at a stretch.

Watch what you say. No matter how polite and interested your childless friends act, there's a limit to how much they really want to hear about all the exciting things (to you, anyway) that your baby can do or how many steps she took yesterday.

Learn to accept change. It may sound harsh, but the fact is that you may lose some friends--and they'll lose you--now that you're a parent. Hard as it is, just keep in mind that you'll gain plenty of new ones in the process.

Don't give equal importance to every bit of advice you get. Whatever other people know about taking care of children, they learned on the job--and that's how you're going to learn, too.

Don't cave in to pressure. Sure, a lot of men still consider it socially acceptable to leave all the child care to the mother, but it's a lot more rewarding when you jump in and do it yourself. Eventually your true friends will come around, and some of them might even end up asking you for a pointer or two.

Watch the competition. If your friend's baby crawls, walks, talks, sings, says "da-da," or gets an early-admissions preschool acceptance letter before your baby does, you may find yourself a bit green with envy. But what does it matter? In your heart, you'll always see your child as the best one around--and the same goes for your friends. Why burst their bubble?


RELATED INFORMATION

			Getting Acquainted with Your New Baby
			The Lessons That Fatherhood Teaches
			The Role of Dads
			Fathering

	Expectant Dads: Experiences and Milestones
	Fatherhood

Created February 22, 2001
Reviewed August 15, 2004

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