• Expect mixed feelings. At every stage of childhood, developmental progress comes at a price--that is, the loss of the previous, more dependent relationship. It's easy to see this process at work in infancy. Around seven or eight months, many babies decide that it's time to start crawling about. Within a month, the cuddly lap-baby is gone, replaced by a driven and often very stubbornly independent toddler.
  
  However, the old attachment is not erased, but is instead covered over by the newfound independence. In fact, it is the security of underlying attachment that makes each new separation emotionally possible in the first place. What is true for the toddler is also true for the college-bound child.



• College students are still children. It seems odd to use the word "child" to describe a big 18 year-old who drives, votes, and manages a bank account. But, while going to college certainly changes the parent-child relationship, the relationship itself goes on. It's not only that parents continue to feel the urge to protect their nearly grown children from the pains and disappointments of life. Most college age children--even those who barely call home once a semester--still count on their parents to provide a secure emotional base and thoroughly unconditional love.



• People express feelings differently. Emotional strain may show up as clinginess or neediness, or as a dark mood, sadness, or an increase in argumentativeness. Whatever emotional changes you observe in yourself and in other family members in the weeks leading up to and immediately following the start of school, it's likely that separation-related strain is at their root. This is a good time to give yourself, and your loved ones, some emotional leeway.



• The timing for emotional changes also is particular to each individual. People deal with emotional strains over time, and different people follow different schedules. Your first reaction to the college separation may be relief that your child is now on his own: Gone are the tensions of the college admissions process, not to mention the late nights, arguments, and other hassles of raising a teenager. Weeks later, perhaps, you'll feel some sadness sneaking in.
  
  Your teen, on the other hand, may be hit by feelings of loneliness right off the bat and need to call home every night for the first month. If you find yourself chafing at your teen's response, consider that the problem might be due to different coping schedules. Given time, this unevenness is likely to work itself out, and you and your teen will find yourselves again in sync.



• Should you (or your child) keep a stiff upper lip? Probably not. Bottling up emotions may seem to help in the short-term, but buried feelings tend to resurface as strong as ever, if not stronger. The better strategy usually is to find a friend and vent. As a parent, you probably don't want to vent to your college-bound child; she is likely to have enough to deal with on her own.



• How long before everyone feels OK? Clearly, there is no one appropriate timetable for this adjustment, and feelings of loneliness are likely to arise from time to time. But severe emotional responses that involve crying, difficulty concentrating, or other negative responses should begin to taper off after two weeks or so, and should be mostly gone by two months at the latest. Separation strain lasting much longer than that is unusual and probably is a sign that professional counseling would be helpful.
  
  Of course, you don't have to wait that long: If you or your child is having a very hard time dealing with being apart, it's wise to seek face-to-face help. Colleges all provide mental health services that are free and confidential. Having difficulty with separation doesn't mean that one is crazy. It makes no sense to suffer with deeply unhappy or anxious feelings simply because one is worried about the stigma of asking for help.

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