• Keep up the usual routines. Daily routines give children a sense of comfort and control, which they especially need when there are changes in their lives. Although some routines almost certainly will be different, maintaining as much consistency as possible can help.



• Keep discipline on an even keel. You may be tempted to relax your discipline because you feel sorry for the children, or to tighten down on it for fear that things will get out of hand. But keeping the discipline standards steady will be most supportive in the long run.



• Help children find ways to keep track of the passing of time. Time moves more slowly for children than for adults, and to a young child, a year--even a few months--can seem like forever. To help make the passage of time more tangible for a child, use a large calendar, so that he can mark off days and months as they pass. If you live where there are distinct seasons, you also can use the natural cycle of nature to mark the time for a young child (e.g., "Mommy will come back when the trees turn yellow again"). Another idea is to create a paper chain with your child, and then allow him to remove one link each day or each week until Mommy returns. Some children might choose to decorate the paper links or write messages on them, and then send one (or a batch) on a regular basis to their absent moms.

• Expect emotional reactions. Any emotional reaction, from all-out grief at the separation to no visible reaction at all, can be normal. A child's reaction may be angry, or hostile towards you. It's important not to respond defensively; accept the emotion for what it is--a response to missing the parent--but set limits on negative or naughty behavior.



• Grief comes in stages. Even though a child has not actually lost his parent, he has truly lost the life he had before the parent went away, and he may need to grieve for that. The classic stages of grief are denial or disbelief ("Nothing's changed"), anger ("This is completely unfair, and it's Mommy's fault for signing up," or the government's, etc.), bargaining ("If I'm the perfect child, Mom will come home"), and finally, one hopes, acceptance. Don't be surprised, however, if your child doesn't follow this neat pattern. Every child is different.



• Sadness is not "all in your head." Often, a preschool or school-age child will experience grief as a physical pain, often in the head or stomach. The pain is real, even though the cause is psychological. If this sort of pain persists, it makes sense to get help from an understanding doctor.



• It's OK to be OK. Not every child will show upset. Some, quite secure in their parents' love, will simply take things in stride.



• How long is long enough? There is no set time limit on grief or emotional adjustment. Depending on a child's temperament and age, it may take weeks or months before he feels comfortable, or the real grief may be delayed as he keeps expecting the parent to return "tomorrow." If you have concerns about a child's emotional reactions, it's a good idea to consult a doctor, psychologist, or child-development professional.



• It's OK to acknowledge your own feelings. On the one hand, a child shouldn't be burdened with an adult's emotional needs; on the other hand, it's often helpful for him to see that other people miss his mom, too. That way, he is less alone.

• It's important to be loving. Foster parents and others taking a temporary parenting role sometimes worry that a child will come to love them instead of the actual mother, and this can lead them to act in a cold or standoffish way. But children are capable of accepting loving care from many sources, without becoming confused about who their parents are. They need love and affection, including hugs and kisses, nearly as much as they need food. Depriving them of love doesn't strengthen the parent-child bond--it just makes the child miserable.



• Keep roles clear. At the same time, it's helpful to keep your role clear. You might be "Gramma" or "Auntie," for example, but "Mommy" should be reserved for the actual mother.

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