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Moms in the Military: Helping Your Children Stay Strong
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. and Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
All across the country, mothers are being called up for active military service. They kiss their children goodbye knowing that when they return weeks, months, or years later, both they and their children will have changed and perhaps grown apart. The courage and patriotism these mothers show in taking this step qualifies them as heroes without ever firing a shot.
In such families, the children's care often will rest with their fathers. Or, if the fathers are also soldiers or the mothers are single, the children will go to live with grandparents, aunts and uncles, or friends. These people, who willingly accept the responsibilities of parenting for an indefinite period, also are heroes.
These separations are hard on parents, but they are perhaps even harder on children. Parents are the center of a young child's life, and being separated from them is very frightening for a child. As doctors, we've had the opportunity to work with many families who have faced long separations because of a variety of causes. Here are some of the things that military mothers can do to help their children pull through these tough times.
Saying goodbye
- Talk about the separation ahead of time. Children who are preschool age and older, and even some toddlers, can understand that soldiers sometimes have to go away to fight for the country--even if those soldiers are also mommies and daddies. In short, it helps if they have heard about separations in a general sense long before the time of the actual deployment. They may need a lot of time to think the issue through, and ask questions, before they can feel a degree of control over the situation.
- Establish a ritual. A ritual is anything you do with your children every day that is special to you. It can be a certain song, story, or prayer that you share right before bed or perhaps a particular type of hug or funny nose rub. These simple acts bind you and your children together and give them something to remember you by.
- Create special memories. A few meaningful family activities can help to create fresh memories of good times together. We're not necessarily talking about a day at the amusement park or a family vacation here (although those activities may certainly create fond memories). Rather, it's often the simple things--a picnic at the park or a pick-up game of football in the backyard--that hold the most meaning for parents and children alike.
- Give children information so that they can feel some control. If your children have to move somewhere, let them know ahead of time about the arrangements, such as where they'll be and who they'll be staying with. If possible, arrange for a visit or two beforehand so that your children's temporary home will seem familiar to them when they go to live there.
- Let your children decide where to say goodbye. Some may want to wave to a bus or plane; others will feel more comfortable saying farewell at home. Giving your children some measure of control, even if it's very small, can help them deal with the situation.
- Exchange keepsakes. Think of something meaningful to leave for your children as a tangible reminder of your connection (they may want to give you a keepsake in return). One example is a simple memory book that contains favorite photographs of the family having fun together--you can even add your own captions. Use a blank book or sheets of cardboard. These books can then be re-read whenever your children feel the need to "visit" their mom.
Staying in touch
- Write regularly. The frequency and regularity of letters or other contacts is what's most important, not their length or even what they say. You may not be able to share profound thoughts with your children all the time, but a small funny observation or story will be meaningful nonetheless. The adults at home can help collect and organize your letters so that they'll be available when your children want to look at them.
- Decide ahead of time how often to exchange letters. If possible, let your children decide how many letters they'd like--one a day? One a week? Again, giving them some control is important. With school-age children, you can also set the expectation that they will write regularly, perhaps including schoolwork or clippings in with their letters. Given that the mail may not be 100 percent reliable, letters won't always arrive on such a regular schedule, but they should be written regularly, nonetheless.
- Plan phone calls. While you might think that nothing beats the sound of a loved one's voice when it comes to staying in touch, be sure to consider the expense involved and if frequent calls fit within your budget. While many military families consider phone cards to be great going-away presents, others choose to preserve phone calls for special occasions and important discussions.
- Consider using cassette tapes. A recording of your voice, either reading a story or telling a made-up one, is a wonderfully personal way to make contact. It also gives your children the ability to listen to your voice as often as they want. They can also send tapes back to you.
- Short visits are OK. Some parents hesitate to come home for short visits, dreading the fact that they'll only have to say goodbye again. This is a very personal decision and one that only you can make. But our experience is that the positives of a short visit--the physical contact and the direct expression of love--far outweigh the pain of another separation.
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Created October 10, 2001
Reviewed August 26, 2004
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