 | ||
|
| |    Explaining War to Children by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When something as frightening as war looms in our lives, it's often difficult to know what to tell our children. As parents, we feel the need to reassure our children that everything will be all right, but, in reality, it's hard to know what will happen. War is always unpredictable, and the current fight against international terrorism is especially so because our chief enemy is a widespread network without a known capital or geographic boundaries. So how can parents provide reassurance in these trying times? The questions children ask about war, and the sort of explanations that will be most helpful, depend on their age and level of development. Still, some general principles apply to all ages:
Infants and toddlers aren't overly aware of specific events in the larger world, but they are very aware of changes in the emotions and behaviors of their parents and caregivers. They will sense when you are tense, worried, or distracted, and may react by becoming fussy, demanding, or clingy. They need to be reassured that you are there to love and care for them. If you find yourself becoming frustrated with the demands of your infant or toddler, it may be a signal to seek more adult support for yourself. Thus fortified, you'll be able to free up more energy for your needy child. Preschool-age children Preschool-age children usually ask very basic questions, which are nonetheless very hard to answer. They need responses that are short, simple, and factual. If your preschooler asks, "What is war?" you might explain that a war is when countries fight against each other. If they ask, "Why do they fight?" you can explain that our country goes to war when our president and Congress decide that war is necessary in order to keep us safe. Whatever the specific questions are, you are always wise to assume that there are at least two additional unspoken questions: Am I going to be OK? Are you going to be here to take care of me? Assuming that you can answer "yes" to these without lying, you are never wrong in repeating these reassurances to a preschool child. Beyond that, however, it is best to wait for your child to ask before offering any additional answers. Otherwise, you risk overwhelming a small child with too much information all at once. School-age children As children enter elementary school, they still need basic reassurance and simple facts, and they are likely to have new concerns as well. By age six or seven, they may have specific questions about the facts of the war: where will it take place, when will it happen, who will be fighting, and so on. Many of these questions may be impossible to answer. It's better to admit that you don't know something than to make up an answer that may turn out to be false. Children can bear not knowing, as long as they have trust in a strong adult who can tolerate uncertainty. At this age, children have vivid imaginations, so talk about war is likely to raise strong fears. They can imagine soldiers, bombs, and (because most children this age have seen so many fictional deaths on TV) people dying. They may be aware of news reports of soldiers fighting and of cities being attacked, and the emotional strength of these events may be magnified in their imaginations, particularly if they watch the television news. To counteract these anxiety-producing forces, you may need to remind them many times that the war is being fought a long way away, and that they are safe here and now. You also should be prepared to field questions about death--they'll probably crop up, even if no one close to your family is lost in combat. Because school-age children have difficulty handling abstract thoughts, they may find adult views about war confusing. If war is bad, why are soldiers treated like heroes? If war is good, and war is fighting, why is fighting (at school, for instance) bad? How you answer such questions depends, of course, on your own personal convictions. An explanation I feel comfortable with is that fighting is always bad, but sometimes grown-ups have to fight and even kill people, because if they don't, even more people will die in the end. We are sad whenever someone dies, even if that person is our enemy. Adolescents As children enter the teen years, they are likely to remember the simple, cut-and-dried explanations that satisfied them before: the enemy is bad, we are good, and we have to fight them. Depending on the nature of the war, however, some teens may begin to challenge those straightforward assumptions. It is in the nature of adolescents to question authority, and to think about the large ideals of Justice, Truth, History, and so on. As a parent, you may feel uncomfortable with some of your teen's observations and doubts. Certainly, in the wake of the terrible attacks of September 11, such thinking might be misinterpreted as being unpatriotic. One thing you can do as a parent is to create a zone of safety for your teenager, as well as the other members of your family, one in which any and all ideas can be discussed without anyone passing judgment. Teens also face the prospect of being directly involved in a war, and perhaps being injured or killed. Under these circumstances, you can't honestly reassure your teen that nothing bad will happen. You can, however, actively listen to your child's fears and feelings, and accept them as valid. Older teens, especially, are likely to grapple with these difficult issues and emotions in conversations with their peers in addition to (or sometimes instead of) their parents. You can help by supporting your teen's connections with groups at school, religious institutions, and community organizations that provide safe structures in which teens can deal with these tough issues. More information: Talk about: If you wish to print this article, click here for a printer-friendly version. If you do not have a PDF reader, you can download and install a free copy from Adobe. All content within this Site (as well as the organization and layout of the Site) are owned and copyrighted by The Dr. Spock Company or its affiliates and may be accessed, downloaded or printed for your personal, non-commercial use only. Please email info@drSpock.com if you have any questions.
| |  | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| About Us |
Contact Us |
Our Partners Privacy Policy | Ethics | Advertising Policy | Terms of Service © Copyright 2004 The Dr. Spock Company. All Rights Reserved. THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information drSpock.com
provides is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for
professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care
professional if you have a specific health concern. Mention or advertisement
of any product, service, or brand does not constitute endorsement, guarantee,
or recommendation by The Dr. Spock Company. Please read our full
Terms of Service. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
