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| |    Making Sense of Sadness by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. We'd like our children to learn about sadness in small doses, like getting used to a bitter-tasting medicine by taking some small sips before gulping down a big spoonful. Every childhood provides opportunities for us to taste sadness: a toy gets lost, someone else gets the part you wanted in the school play, best friends move away, a pet dies. Living through each of these experiences teaches a child that sadness passes; it prepares him to face the larger inevitable sorrows that come with the deaths of grandparents and, eventually, parents. What made the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001, so stunningly sad is that no one, child or adult, was prepared for the loss of so many people all at once. Along with the loss of life, there were other losses that continue to affect us today: the loss of our sense of safety, of the illusion (as it turned out) that we were at peace, and that our country was somehow shielded from the sorts of horrors that afflict so many other parts of the world. Sadness is a normal response Sadness is not an illness, a condition to be treated, but rather an expected, normal response to loss. Children who were old enough to understand what happened on September 11, for example, were likely to feel sadness out of sympathy with those who lost their lives or loved ones. I would be a little concerned about a child who never feels any sadness at all (although many children will say they don't feel upset, perhaps because they believe that denying an uncomfortable emotion makes it go away or because they want to avoid having to talk about their emotions). Usually, sadness comes on in waves, the first one arriving after the initial shock and disbelief have begun to fade and later waves hitting in response to reminders (for example, a news story or the sound of an airplane overhead), or simply because memories that were temporarily shoved out of consciousness resurface at some point. Signs of sorrow not always obvious Not all children (or adults, for that matter) show their sadness by crying or frowning. Some become impatient with any small frustration, or clingy or demanding; others lose interest in favorite games or activities; others develop aches and pains, sleep poorly, or lose their appetites. Some merely become unusually quiet. Normally, such feelings and behaviors come and go, with periods of healthy-appearing behavior in between. For the most part, children manage to carry on their normal daily activities. If sadness is severe enough to disrupt daily functioning and lasts for a long time--the official, albeit somewhat arbitrary, cutoff being two weeks--then depression moves up on the list of possibilities. Some children are at greater risk than others of more severe sadness or depression. Losses tend to pile up psychologically, so that a child who has recently moved to a new city, lost a grandparent, or who has parents who have recently divorced is bound to be especially upset by personal or national tragedy. The more of these losses a child has sustained, the greater the risk. How upset a child becomes also will depend on the coping resources within the family. If your family was under stress before a loss occurred--say, because of starting a new job, losing a job, or marital stresses--there may be less positive energy available to help your child recover his emotional balance. Obviously, children who are closer to a trauma (for example, they knew someone personally who died in the World Trade towers) will bear a heavier burden of sadness. And if there is a history of depression within the family, the child is more likely to carry a biological vulnerability to becoming depressed. Helping your child deal with sadness If you see your child acting sad, there is a lot you can do to help:
Talk about:
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