• First, deal with your own anger. Children learn best by observing their parents. They need to see you handling your own anger effectively. That doesn't mean that you should try to hide your feelings; if you are angry, your children will know it no matter what you say. Rather, let your children see how you talk about your feelings and channel them into positive action. By putting a name to the emotion--saying, "I am feeling angry"--you teach children that you are in charge, the anger is not in charge of you. The message is, any emotion you have is OK; it's what you do with your emotions that counts.



• Open the discussion. While some children are quite vocal about their angry feelings, many are reluctant to open up to parents. It's normal for teens, in particular, to want to keep their feelings private. One way to broach the topic is to ask about the other kids at school and in the neighborhood. Children are often pleased to talk if they feel they are in the role of expert (and they really are the experts on teen culture). Once your child is talking about his peers, you can ask what he thinks about their behavior.



• Be proactive, not just reactive. It's safe to assume that every school-age child will have some angry feelings from time to time. When you know that your child is upset, rather than waiting for built-up emotions to explode, help him find appropriate ways to discharge energy and lower feelings of helplessness and frustration. For example, if your child had been angered by the terrorist attacks of September 11, he might have helped organize a carwash fundraiser or expressed his views in letters to elected officials. Another tip: Because muscle tension is part of anger, vigorous exercise may help to discharge part of the physical anger.



• Help your child separate anger from hatred. Oppression and injustice should evoke anger. But children need to learn that while anger focuses on specific actions by specific people, hatred covers whole ethnic and religious groups, most of whose members did nothing wrong. Answering hatred with hatred can lead only to more loss and tragedy.

• Times of Crisis


• Coping with the Emotional Fallout


• Teaching Tolerance in the Face of Violence

• Talking to Young Children About a Violent World


• Discussing World Violence with Older Children

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