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Parenting Challenges: The Importance of Tending to Your Own Emotional Needs
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
During times of crisis, parents usually are careful to minister to the needs of their children. While some children may only need extra reassurance and loving care, many others will show emotional or behavioral problems that demand a response. And in the meantime, all of the everyday stresses and strains of parenting--the diapers, tantrums, car pools, homework, and everything else--don't let up.
There are no magic answers to help parents cope with the added responsibilities that accompany stressful times, but here are some common-sense tips:- Take care of yourself. Make time each day, even if it's only 10 minutes, to do something relaxing or pleasant. It could be taking a warm bath, reading a good novel, listening to music, doing yoga, or anything else that works for you. Remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to take care of yourself so that you can keep going for the long haul.
- Give yourself a break. When you're under severe stress, it's probably not the best time to begin a major self-improvement project. For example, if you have always meant to stop smoking--a worthwhile goal, indeed--you may want to put that plan on hold for a while. The problem will still be there when you have the emotional resources to tackle it in the future.
- Give your child a break. By the same token, if you have a child with a particular problem--say, nose picking or thumb sucking--this may not be a particularly good time tackle the problem. If your child needs extra help falling asleep, or even needs to sleep in your room for some nights, you may want to relax some family rules to give him the support he needs. At the same time, don't abandon family rules and expectations entirely. Children need the security provided by firm, stable limits.
- Give yourself permission to ask for help. If you have a spouse or adult partner, talk about how that person could perhaps shoulder more of the child-rearing burden. Think of specific tasks you can share that might now fall completely on your shoulders, such as laundry, cooking, bathing, and so on. If you've been reluctant to ask for help from grandparents or other relatives--be it practical support, such as babysitting, or financial support--you may find that your extended family is now glad to help out. Consider getting a babysitter just to give yourself some time alone.
- Your children can help, too. There may be ways children can help as well, particularly if they are school age or older. Perhaps one child can take over part of the laundry or housecleaning. A teenage child might take responsibility for cooking some meals. Many children take comfort from being helpful when their help is truly needed.
- Look to your community for support. Churches, temples, mosques, and other religious institutions can be a source of comfort in stressful times. In addition to prayer services, the institutions in your community might offer support groups and even individual counseling. Even if you are not a member or regular visitor, chances are you will be welcomed nonetheless. Libraries and community centers also offer a range of services that can be helpful, such as discussion and support groups. Many of these programs will be geared to parents and will provide free child care during meetings.
- Pay attention to stress signs. If you find yourself losing your temper with your child, forgetting things, or not taking pleasure in activities that you used to find enjoyable (such as playing with your child), these can be signs that stress is getting to you. Let these events tell you that you need to step back and take care of your own needs for a bit.
- Beware of self-destructive coping mechanisms. If you tend to cope with stress by using alcohol or drugs, or if you have used such substances to cope in the past, be aware of the temptation to engage in such self-destructive behaviors. If you feel a strong urge to have a drink to get through the day or to get high to relax, think hard about doing something else. Twelve-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, can give you crucial support until the self-destructive urges pass.
- Get strength from kindness. On a very concrete level, you may find that committing random acts of kindness--smiling at a stranger or offering to lend a hand to a neighbor, for example--may actually help to recharge your own emotional batteries. Such acts also teach your children important lessons about what it means to live in society.
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Created September 17, 2001
Reviewed August 26, 2004
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