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| |    After Pregnancy Loss: Communicating with Friends and Family by Elisa Ross, MD reviewed by Marjorie Greenfield, M.D. The feelings that accompany the loss of a pregnancy can be overwhelming. Getting support from those close to you can be key to resolving your grief. However, men and women often handle grief differently, which might instead add to feelings of isolation. And other family members may be grieving in their own ways, too. For example, your parents may feel sad for you as well as for their own loss. But even though it may be painful to talk, holding in your feelings or convincing yourself that you shouldn't feel the way you do isn't healthy. Talking with your partner, as well as with close friends and family, can help to put words to your feelings and give you comfort, and in time will help to resolve your grief. One important principle of recovery after miscarriage is that the feelings of loss are shared and validated. Talking to your partner Fathers sometimes believe that they have to keep their feelings inside, and be strong for their partners, but it might be better for their adjustment, and the couple's relationship, if they did grieve out loud. Talking about the loss isn't the only way, however, that fathers express their sadness. Other behaviors can also signal grief, such as increased devotion to work, irritability, irresponsible actions, or turning to drugs or alcohol. It's not unusual for two partners, when they grieve in different ways, to become angry at each other. If a woman cries when she talks about the loss, her husband might avoid the subject so as not to upset her. She may interpret his avoidance as a lack of caring, and he may then feel criticized and withdraw further. It's important that couples make a conscious effort to communicate, to respect each other's feelings, and to be kind to each other during such a trying time. Dealing with your other children If you have other children, they will undoubtedly sense your sadness and may feel in some way responsible. Explain the situation simply and accurately. A helpful phrase might be that the baby "stopped growing" properly; or that you thought you were going to have a baby, but it turns out you were mistaken and are very sad about it. Saying things like the baby is "sleeping" or "lost" is not a good idea, as it may make younger children afraid that it could happen to them. Maintaining the household routine, even if it requires others' help, will be reassuring for your children. Young children are most likely to respond not to the loss itself, but to their mother's upset. They may become clingy and fuss when separating from their mother, or they may act out in silly or naughty ways. Perhaps of most concern is a child who acts too good--too quiet, too compliant. These children may not feel comfortable exposing their upset feelings. In older children, likely signs of upset are an increase in bodily complaints (headaches, stomachaches), absence from school, poor sleep, and loss of interest in playing with friends. As with younger children, this is likely to be a response to their mother's emotional state. Teenagers are more likely to experience grief related to the pregnancy loss itself and may grieve in ways that are similar to an adult's grief. Depending on their age and understanding--or misunderstanding--of what has happened, having your children see someone trained in working with youngsters regarding such issues can be helpful. Beyond your immediate family Well-meaning friends and relatives may say things that sound hollow or don't bring much comfort. They may be uneasy with the situation or think that they are sparing your feelings when they go on as if nothing happened. And, of course, you're likely to run into acquaintances who don't know what happened and so may greet you cheerily and inquire as to how your pregnancy is going. Obviously, it's important that you inform them of what happened, but also let them know how you want them to act--whether you want to talk about it or not, whether you're doing OK or feel like you're falling apart. And as cold as it sounds, some people will need to believe that you did something to cause the loss, simply so that they can convince themselves it won't happen to them. In the workplace Returning to work is a personal decision. Many women find their jobs to be a welcome distraction, while others require extra personal time at home. If you have a trusted colleague, you might ask her to put out the word of your loss before you return to work so that you don't have to explain the circumstances over and over. This can help ease your transition back. Of course, it's understandable if you'd prefer to keep the situation private. Each person is different--do what works best for you.
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