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| |    Raising Nonviolent Children: School Age by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. During their elementary school years, children can learn many of the attitudes and skills that will allow them to handle conflicts nonviolently as teens and adults. They have to share classrooms, hallways, and busses with many different students, including some who are bound to act in aggressive or hostile ways. They become increasingly aware of the world around them, including wars, terrorism, and other forms of violence. At the same time, they are beginning to understand the meaning of right and wrong, justice, peace, and other abstractions. As the parent of a school-age child, you have many opportunities to help him develop a nonviolent approach to conflict and setbacks. You teach most powerfully, of course, by the example you set, but being a model of nonviolence doesn't mean never taking a stand or getting angry. It does involve a commitment to make your home a no-hurting zone, and to use negotiation and compromise to solve disagreements. (Using negotiation is not the same as being permissive or indecisive. As a parent, you don't have to make every decision, but you do need to determine what issues your child can decide, and what ones are "grown-up" decisions.) Talking about violence You can also teach your child nonviolent approaches by the way you respond to issues in the news, television shows, movies, and even music. If you watch the news on television or read the newspaper, for example, you have lots of opportunities to discuss violence occurring around the world. Help your child to understand what the issues are, and let him know that you favor negotiation, not fighting. Talk about when, if ever, you feel that fighting is justified. The entertainment world also presents lots of teachable moments as far as violence is concerned. In fact, it's hard these days to find a child's television show, movie, or video game that does not include at least a little violence, and song lyrics and music videos often contain violent images as well. A steady diet of media violence almost certainly encourages violent behavior. But in small doses, media violence gives you the opportunity to talk with your child about the images he's seeing. Talk about the effects of using violence as a form of entertainment. Make sure that he understands that the real effects of violence are more severe, and last far longer, than what is usually portrayed. Helping your child handle conflict In almost every school, there are children who assert themselves with physical force or hurtful words. If you ask your child directly, chances are you will hear about these bullies, and how he responds to them. Questions you can ask include:
Your goal is to devise nonaggressive ways to defuse potentially violent situations. You are also trying to teach him to develop a calm, reasonable response to ambiguous or volatile circumstances. Rather than just lashing out at the slightest invitation to fight, you'd like your child to think to himself: Why is this guy doing this? Is he upset? How can I calm him down, or if that doesn't work, how can I walk away without being thought weak? What possible good could come from fighting? What do I have to lose by fighting now? By making him think about possible scenarios ahead of time and arming him with words and wisdom, you'll make it less likely that he'll be drawn into a physical confrontation.
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