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| |    Twins: Making Sense of Birth Order by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When it comes to birth order, twins are in a special situation. On the one hand, they are spared the tensions that are almost inevitable between siblings separated by a year or more. There is no older child to feel angry at being displaced from the special position of "only" or "baby." And there is no younger sibling to feel that he is always slower, weaker, and less clever-and thus has to work harder to catch up. It follows that twin relationships are often unusually close and harmonious. On the other hand, the fact that multiples are always the same age and, if they are identical twins, very similar in appearance, magnifies the likelihood of frequent comparisons. This is especially true if the twins are placed in the same classrooms in preschool and school. While comparisons tend to fan the flames of rivalry between twins, just as they do with siblings in general, they also sometimes work against the twins' sense of individuality--"Everyone comments on how alike we are, so we must be alike in every way." In an effort to distinguish one from the other, parents and other relatives may focus on the differences between the twins and assign them niches in the family. One of them might become known as "the athletic one," for instance, while the other becomes "our little actor." On the plus side, this process of labeling may help each child carve out an individual identity and defuse sibling rivalry. But the labels can be confining. What happens to "the actor" if she decides she wants to try out for basketball? Labels, and the comparisons that they imply, force a child to either accept them (and perhaps to be limited by them) or to fight against them. Side by side Twins are born team players. At each developmental stage, they have a partner with whom to share the challenges. When it comes time to crawl, for example, each one notices how the other goes about the task. (You may think that young babies are completely unaware of other children around them, but this isn't the case. Even though they don't play cooperatively with each other, babies pay close attention to siblings who are near in age.) They can learn from each other's success and mistakes, as well as sharpen their social skills--learning, for instance, how far they can assert their own will before their sibling fights back. Because they have a ready point of comparison, twins also may develop somewhat precocious self-awareness. As they progress through the stages of language development--from cooing to babbling to first words--they not only have adults and older children to listen to and interact with, but also someone who is always on the same page. Not surprisingly, many twins develop their own language, often called twinspeak, which only they can understand. Twins may be less prone to loneliness than non-twin siblings because there is always someone at hand who is going through many of the same experiences that they are. Often, twins keep their special bond through life, although that doesn't mean that they aren't able to forge other close relationships, too. Who came first? In olden times, when firstborns had special legal rights (such as the right to inherit all of the family's wealth), the question of who came first could be critical. The archetypal story on this front comes from Genesis, which describes, as you may remember, Jacob being born holding onto Esau's heel. Later, Esau trades away his birthright for the proverbial "mess of pottage," and Jacob goes on to become the patriarch of the Jewish people. I sometimes wonder how history might have been altered if Jacob had not been so handy in the kitchen or Esau so hungry. Modern families are less likely to make a big deal over which twin emerges first from the womb. But birth order can still exert a subtle influence if it becomes incorporated into the family mythology, the stories relatives tell over and over to each other. Tim came out first," a myth might go, "and he's been the first to do everything ever since." An alternative family myth might be "Tom was born second, and he's always worked harder to catch up." These myths help a family define itself, and they can assert a subtle but powerful influence on behavior and perception. More information: Talk about:
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