Dating without Fear: Helping Your Daughter Have Fun and Stay Safe

October 13, 2008

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Dating without Fear: Helping Your Daughter Have Fun and Stay Safe

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Lynn Cates, M.D., F.A.A.P.

No matter how open minded and pragmatic a parent you are, the thought of your child growing up and dating probably makes you at least a little worried. And, unfortunately, along with the wonderful things that the world of dating can bring to a teen's life, there is reason to be concerned, especially if you have a daughter.

The dark side of dating
These days, teen dating often means going out in a large coed group of friends, not as a solo couple. But despite all the protection that going out in a group can offer girls (and even with all the nice boys out there!), dating still can be dangerous. According to a recent study, as many as one in five high school girls is the victim of physical or sexual violence while dating. We've known for years that domestic violence affects many adult women, but the report published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in August 2001 was the first large-scale study to reveal that teens also suffer widespread abuse.

What a parent can do
The first step is to talk with your daughter about relationships, dating, and sex. You have to be willing to listen as well as to give advice. Teens may crave independence, but they still want parents to protect them. Here's what should you talk about.

Know the risks. Tell your daughter that sexual assault is a risk for all women, regardless of age, income, education, or ethnicity. Date rape can happen to anyone. The risk of running into an abusive man is higher at clubs, all-night parties, and raves, but dating violence also happens in longer-term relationships.

The value of gut feelings. Sexual assaults can occur out of the blue, but in many cases there are warning signals. Help your daughter realize that if she gets a funny or uncomfortable feeling about the situation she finds herself in--for example, her date is trying to get her to do something that she really doesn't want to do and he won't take "no" for an answer--she should leave or call for help.

Safer in public. Date rape is more likely to occur in private. Teens can have lots of fun together as part of a group. Before your daughter lets herself be alone with a date, she should know him well enough to feel certain that he will listen when she says, "Stop." You might ask your daughter to think through how she plans to make this crucial judgment. One way to do this is to observe how the boy relates to other girls as friends: Does he talk about girls and women as human beings or merely as objects?

Chemical risks. Drugs and alcohol cloud a person's judgment, leading her to take risks she'd normally avoid. In addition, alcoholic drinks are a common vehicle for GHB and rohypnol, commonly known as date-rape drug. (They also dissolve in soft drinks.) By interfering with memory and judgment, these drugs can take away your daughter's ability to protect herself. Make it clear to your daughter that it's risky to accept a drink from a stranger or to leave a drink unattended--to go to the restroom, for example.

Friends. Before she goes to a party or club, urge your daughter to make a mutual-protection pact with a friend she trusts. They should agree to step in if either friend sees the other getting into a dangerous situation (for example, leaving with a boy when not in complete control of her faculties). If persuasion fails, they could agree to yell, call parents, or call the police.

Taking charge of sex. Sex is a reality of dating for many teens. Ultimately every teen has to decide about sex for herself. This decision should be made consciously. Sex shouldn't be something that "just happens" as a result of pressure (this goes for boys, too). It's critical that you talk openly with your teen about sex to convey your moral convictions, correct misinformation, and guard against sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy. Moreover, these discussions help protect your daughter from date rape, because a teen who has thought through the issues, and who knows her own mind, is far less likely to find herself in a situation that she really does not want to be in.

Keep things in perspective
The purpose of this article is not to scare you out of your wits or to paint all boys as predatory monsters. Most--perhaps even all--of your daughter's male friends are likely to be nice, well-behaved boys who value her and will treat her with respect. But by offering guidance and boosting her self-esteem (so she knows she deserves to be treated well), you can provide her with invaluable support in the often turbulent and muddy waters of adolescent dating.


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Created August 02, 2001
Reviewed August 03, 2001

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