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Giving Commands
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
One of the most common complaints that parents have is that their children don't listen. Quite often the problem goes away once the parents learn how to give commands more effectively. Telling your child what it is you want him to do--and having him actually do it--seems like it should be the most natural thing in the world, but it isn't. There actually are techniques that can make giving commands much more effective.
- First, decide whether to give a command or make a request. This is an important distinction: A command is something your child needs to follow; a request gives your child a choice. For example, if you say to your six-year-old, "I wish you'd pick up your room," that's a request. You want the room picked up, but he probably wants to keep playing. You have stated your preference, but you've left the decision up to your child. By contrast, "Please pick up your clothing and toys this minute" is a command. It tells your child what you expect, and when, and it lets your child know that he really does not have a choice about the matter.
Both commands and requests have their place. Children need to learn how to follow orders, but they also need practice making choices about their behavior. It's up to you to decide ahead of time whether to give a command or make a request. When you give a command, you need to be prepared to do whatever it takes to make sure that command is followed. So it makes sense to save the commands for things that you really care about. Safety issues--wearing a bike helmet, for example--are clearly not a matter of choice. But many lesser issues can be.
On a cold day, for example, you could tell your child, "You need to put on a heavy coat" (command). Or, since being cold doesn't actually give children colds, you might instead make a request: "I wish you'd wear a heavier coat; you'll be cold" (request). If your child then chooses to go coatless, he may be wiser the next time it's chilly out.
- When giving a command, first make sure you have your child's attention. Children, like everyone else, tend to turn a deaf ear to things they'd rather not hear. So, instead of talking to your child from across the room, take the time to walk over, stoop down so that your face is at eye level, look your child right in the eye, and then tell him what you want him to do. Use a serious but friendly face and voice. A gentle touch on the shoulder can help focus his attention; if need be, you can place a hand on each of his cheeks and turn his face toward yours.
- Don't state a command as a question. Commands that are phrased as questions can be confusing to children. Let's say, for example, that your child drops a candy wrapper and turns to walk away. "Do you want to pick that up?" is a question; it allows the child to think, "Well, no, I don't want to right now" and keep on going. A direct order, such as "Please pick that wrapper up right now," is much more effective.
- Be clear about what needs to be done and when. "Clean up your room" may seem clear enough, but it really isn't. Does it mean putting away the toys, picking up all the clothes off the floor and putting them, folded neatly, away in the drawers, vacuuming the floor, or all of the above? Does the room need to be cleaned up right away, or will sometime later be OK? It helps to be specific; for example, "I want all the toys put away and the clothes in the hamper, and I want you to do it right now, please."
- Make sure that your child can do what you're asking. If a child is crying with fright, it's not right to order him to stop; he needs comforting, not controlling. If his room is such an incredible mess that you don't really know where to start, it's not fair to order him to clean it all up. Instead, help him break the task down into smaller pieces that he can handle.
Don't yell or threaten. Do follow through. Many parents feel they have no choice but to yell. They may start out quietly enough, but they get louder and louder as their children ignore them. Finally, when they're furious, the children listen. They seem to think that parents aren't serious unless they're yelling. Other parents don't yell, but they threaten timeout or another consequence over and over and over. Children quickly learn to ignore the first threat--or the first seven!
The solution to this problem is simple: Give a command once, and then make certain that your child responds. A good way to do this is to go over to him, get his attention (as described above), state the command again, make it clear that you expect him to do it right now, and then stay with him until he follows the command. It is much harder to resist this polite, firm approach than to ignore a raving parent. Eventually your child will learn that when you give a command, you mean business.
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Created June 10, 2001
Reviewed August 15, 2004
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