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| |    When Timeout Doesn't Work by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Parents often tell me, "Timeout just doesn't work for my child." (Most parents who manage to use timeout effectively usually don't bother to mention it to the pediatrician.) I think that there certainly are some children who don't take well to timeout. But it's not as though other forms of discipline work much better for these children, either. These children demand from their parents a special level of behavior management skill. The temperamental traits that make the behavior of some children in general more challenging--high levels of activity and intensity, high impulsiveness, persistence (which comes across as stubbornness), and relatively low sensitivity to rewards and punishments--make all forms of discipline less effective. Parents and teachers of these children often turn to harsher forms of punishment in the hope that yelling louder or spanking harder will work to correct the unacceptable behavior. But these tactics almost always backfire, resulting in a child who is angry and resentful, or fearful, and even more badly behaved, at least when adults aren't watching. So, even though timeout doesn't work as well for some children, it is still far and away the most effective form of punishment. Parents of children who have "difficult" temperamental traits need to be even more skillful in the use of timeout and other nonhurtful discipline, whereas parents who are lucky enough to have easygoing children can get away with only a basic understanding of timeout. (For these children, almost anything works.) If you find that timeouts are not working for your child, first look again at "Principles of Timeout" and "Tips for Timeout". Then consider these suggestions: Look hard for positive behaviors. Children who appear to always behave badly often have learned that bad behavior is a good way to get attention. In the seemingly rare moments when they are not misbehaving, their parents are too tired out to say anything or may be afraid to speak up in case it breaks the peaceful spell they are enjoying. But it's especially important to pay attention to the positive (or the merely non-negative) things your child does. A good slogan is, "Catch 'em being good." I encourage parents to comment on something positive that their child is doing at least 12 times an hour--about once every five minutes. Usually I can manage to do this myself when I am seeing a child in my office, but it's not always easy! What's remarkable is that even the most badly behaved child will pause in his negative behaviors, at least momentarily, when he is praised for doing something positive. Try to see the situation from your child's point of view. It's much easier to know how to go about changing or controlling a behavior if you understand why it exists in the first place. Sometimes, when a bad behavior persists, even in the face of timeout and other punishments, it is because there is a strong reason behind it. The reason might be fear, anger, or jealousy. In these cases, timeout and other punishment can help to reduce the behavior, but real progress depends on your being able to help your child to work through whatever the issue is. For example, if your older child seems irresistibly compelled to pinch his younger sibling, despite everything you say and all the timeouts in the world, it's likely because the feeling of sibling jealousy is so strong that it overpowers everything else (including your child's desire to please you and win your approval). Knowing this, you might take steps to increase the amount of "special time" you share with your older child to reduce the intensity of the jealousy. This should allow the timeouts to be more effective. Get help sooner rather than later. You'll know when you've gotten a handle on your child's behavior, as opposed to still feeling confused and frustrated. If your child's negative behavior continues despite your best efforts, don't let too much time go by without finding a strong coach who can support your effort in dealing with a difficult behavioral challenge. To get started, see "Finding a Mental Health Professional for Your Child." Click here to join the discussion on Discipline
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