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| |    Praise and Criticism by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. The most basic idea behind a behavioral approach to parenting is that you reward good behaviors (that is, behaviors you want to see more of) and punish bad ones. In fact, the definition of a reward, from a behavioral standpoint, is anything that results in a particular behavior happening more frequently. A punishment is anything that results in a behavior happening less. These definitions can lead to conclusions that seem strange at first. For example, if yelling at your child each time he pulls the cat's tail results in more--not less--tail pulling, you have to conclude that the yelling must actually be a reward! In fact, the reward is more than likely the intense attention that comes with the yelling, not the yelling itself. When you think of rewards and punishments, your first thoughts might be of giving your child candy or other treats vs. timeout or a spanking. While these types of actions do have their place (except, I'd argue, for spanking), the most important rewards and punishments you can give a child are verbal and interpersonal: praise and criticism. Children want very much to please their parents. Honest praise is a powerful reward, and criticism, when it isn't overused, is a powerful punishment. Effective praise Effective praise means more than saying simply "good job" or even "I love you." For praise to be most effective, it needs to follow these rules:
The rules for effective criticism are similar: It needs to be immediate, specific, and connected to a parent's feelings. It's also important that you let your child know how his behavior has had a negative impact. "When you yell at me, it hurts my feelings" is more effective than "Stop yelling at me!" It's important with criticism, even more than with praise, to keep it focused on a particular act. Global criticisms like "You never pick up after yourself" or "You're rude" make children feel defiant and ready to point out the one time last month when they did pick up after themselves. Global criticisms make children feel bad without any sense of hope for improvement. The child might reason, "Well, if I always mess up, I guess I'll just always mess up; no sense trying to change." A specific criticism, on the other hand, implies that change is possible. "I made a mistake this time, but next time can be different." Balancing praise and criticism The right balance of praise to criticism is something like 10 to 1: 10 acts of praise for every act of criticism. That's because praise is more powerful and it helps children know what to do, not only what not to do. The more a child acts in praiseworthy ways, the less criticism is necessary. Moreover, criticism can only have positive effects when a child is confident of being accepted and approved of in general. If all or most of what a child hears is negative, he'll give up the hope of ever winning the adults' approval, and he won't have any motivation to behave correctly. Click here to join the discussion on Discipline
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