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| |    Is Your Family a Democracy? by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When you think about the kind of family you have, or the kind you want it to be, you might compare its functioning to a system of government. Many parents feel that their families ought to be democracies, with all decisions shared among the family members. But for a family to run smoothly, a benign dictatorship is probably a better model. Of course, I'm speaking a bit tongue in cheek here and the emphasis is on the "benign"--a family dictatorship in which parents did whatever they want without any regard for the children would be a terrible thing, indeed. Children need to have their voices heard, but they feel most secure when they can trust their parents to make the big decisions. In order for this crucial trust to develop, the parents (in two-parent families) need to speak to the children with one voice when it comes to these larger issues, even though they might not actually agree with one another. Of course, certain decisions are left for the children to make, but only those that the parents agree are "child decisions." As children mature, they are able to make larger and larger decisions. The type of decision suitable for a 2-year-old is very different from the ones that a 12-year-old might be expected to make. The reason this system works well is that it puts the power in the hands of those family members who have the experience and wisdom (the parents), while freeing the other family members (that is, the children) from responsibilities that are too much for them to handle. As common-sensical as this might sound, there are several ways in which this system can break down--and often does. When parents can't agree The benign dictatorship of parents breaks down if they can't agree on key issues. It's impossible for two people to see things the same way all the time, so, of course, parents disagree about a lot of things. In a well-functioning family, either they reach a compromise or one or the other agrees to give in. In either case, in the end, they speak with one voice. When parents can't agree, they often turn to the child to be the tiebreaker. The child, given more power than he can handle, becomes anxious. The parent who is eventually overruled feels ganged-up on and angry. The parent who has "won" sometimes pays a steep price for the victory in a loss of closeness in the parental relationship. When one parent is the specialist In some families, one of the parents makes all the decisions regarding the children, while the other backs out of the process completely. Usually the "child specialist" is the mother, but not always. This solution avoids conflicts between the parents about child rearing, but not without a price. The parent who is out of the loop (usually the father) often feels resentful about being excluded. The mother, however, sees it differently; from her perspective, the father is shirking his parental duty by leaving all the hard decisions and the responsibility for their consequences to her. At some point, if the excluded parent decides that he does have an opinion on a particular issue--for example, insisting that a child eats her vegetables or decreeing that bedtime can be later once in a while--the specialist is likely to feel that her turf is being invaded. Again, the strain is likely to show up in a weakening of the parent-parent relationship. When parents don't listen In some families, parents take the dictatorship concept too far, making decisions without paying any attention to their children's desires. If the family is deciding where to go out to eat, or whether to picnic in the park or go to the beach, it's reasonable for children to have their say, even if the parents make the call in the end. There are also more serious issues where children's opinions should count for something--when a school-age child truly dislikes her piano teacher, for example, or feels "dorky" in the pigtails that her parents insist are "cute." Children who feel listened to are more likely to comply with the decisions handed down by the parental dictatorship, even though they may not always like them.
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