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Making Family Communication Work
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Families are all about communication and compromise. One person needs one thing, while another person has very different priorities. Open communication lets everyone get some of what they want, even if no one is completely satisfied all the time.
In many families, however, poor communication leads to misunderstandings and unhappiness. Here are some examples of poor communication to avoid:- Keeping quiet about something that's bothering you until you are too angry to discuss it calmly.
- Saying one thing with your words but another with your actions. For example, saying that you are perfectly happy about going somewhere or doing something that you don't really want to do, then acting grumpy and irritable during the event.
- Overstating your case in a way that puts others on the defensive. "You never pick up after yourself" is a classic example. A more accurate statement is, "I feel like I have to pick up after you a lot of the time."
- Using verbal put-downs to make your point. "You're a slob!" instead of "I want you to pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper every day." Or "You never listen to me" instead of "Sometimes I feel that you don't listen to me."
- Using "take-back" compliments, which are criticisms disguised as compliments. For example, your son picks up his room after you've asked him to several times. A take-back compliment would be, "Your room looks really nice. Finally! Why can't you do that every day? Why do I have to yell first?"
The power of family meetings
In addition to avoiding these common pitfalls, you can enhance the quality of communication in your family by holding family meetings from time to time. The agenda can be anything that a family member wants to bring up, and the ground rules might be as follows.- Make regular times for family meetings so that issues get aired before there is a crisis.
- State the goals at the beginning. The general goals are that everyone has a chance to be heard, that the family makes a decision that is safe and healthy for all concerned, and that each individual's wishes are respected whenever possible. This doesn't guarantee that everyone will get what they want every time, however.
- In keeping with the spirit of the meetings, everyone should have a chance to speak without being interrupted, criticized, or belittled. After someone has stated his piece, the first questions should be for clarification to make sure that everyone understands what the speaker thinks and feels.
- Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, "I feel irritated when I have to step over coats to get in the front door" rather than "You always leave your stuff all over the place!" Notice, too, that the more specific a statement can be (coat blocking the door, for example), the easier the problem will be to solve.
- Rather than only offering criticism, try to make positive suggestions: "Let's make a schedule so we each know what chores we have that day" rather than "You never do your chores until I yell. " Or "I want you to tell me when you need some extra time by yourself" rather than "Do you think that I'm a mind reader?"
- It's not necessary to come to a decision right away. The point of communication is to get feelings out in the open. It's up to the parents to determine which issues are open to democratic decision-making and which they will have to dictate. If you, as parents, need to discuss an issue in more depth before deciding, do that separately from the family meeting so that you're able to present a united front when announcing your decision.
Don't worry if the meetings feel a little strained at first; it often takes practice for everyone to feel comfortable with the format. But it's worth sticking with them-they really can help improve communication in a family.
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Created March 21, 2001
Reviewed August 15, 2004
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