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| |    Parent-Parent Relationships by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. When parents bring in a child for evaluation of a behavior problem or a physical symptom, they are sometimes surprised when the mental health professional asks them about their relationship with each other. The parent-parent relationship is the foundation of the family. When the foundation is strong, the family holds up even under great pressure; when it's shaky, the whole family is at risk. The risk is not only separation or divorce. Even if the family stays together, a stressful parent-parent relationship puts a strain on every member of the family. Children care about their parents' relationship Children are very tuned in to the state of their parents' relationship. When parents are happy together, children readily pick up on the vibes. When they show physical affection for each other by hugging or kissing, the children pay attention. A toddler or preschooler will come over to be part of the family hug. A school-age boy may groan when Mom and Dad "smooch," but he's actually glad and (since he almost certainly has classmates whose parents are divorced) reassured. Children know, too, when there are problems in their parents' relationship--even when the parents try to hide them, and even though the children may be too young to put their concerns into words. This makes sense when you consider that children depend on their parents to meet their every physical and emotional need. It is vitally important to them that their parents, the source of all good things, are OK. When the parents' relationship is under strain, it affects the children in two ways. It makes them feel anxious and insecure, which can lead to behavior problems or other symptoms. And it reduces the parents' ability to give them their full love and attention, because they are distracted by their own unhappiness. What you can do Knowing the importance of the parent-parent relationship doesn't tell you what you should do to keep it healthy. First, it helps to have realistic expectations. If your relationship before having children was active socially and sexually, that will almost certainly change after children arrive. There is only so much time and energy to go around! On the other hand, the assumption that raising children means putting your social and sexual lives on hold indefinitely is also unrealistic, as well as being unfair to you and your partner. Your adult relationship needs care and nurturing, too. It's important that you and your partner talk openly about your relationship and how it is changing. Pay attention to his needs and try to meet them. Don't hesitate to make your own needs known as well. How you parent also affects your adult relationship. If you can help your infant establish a regular routine of eating, playing, and sleeping, it will make it easier to carve out adult time. If your baby's needs are irregular so that she is very hard to satisfy, if she's colicky, or if she has a chronic illness, then pay special attention to your adult relationship because it will be under particular strain. Get help with parenting duties (from grandparents, sitters, or a babysitting coop, for example) so that there is time to enjoy each other. If you feel that your adult relationship is seriously strained, get help from a marriage counselor sooner, rather than later. Keeping your adult relationship vital and joyful is not a self-indulgence; it really is crucial for the well-being of your family as a whole.
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