Helping Kids Cope with Divorce

October 16, 2008

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Helping Kids Cope with Divorce

by Armin Brott
reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P.

If you are a newly divorced dad, one of the major things you'll have to address is how your children react to what usually amounts to a dramatic upheaval in their lives. Here are strategies you can use to help them cope.

Be civil. The better you and your ex get along (at least in front of the kids), the better your children will adjust.

Shelve your personal feelings about your ex. You may think she was a horrible wife, and maybe you're right. But that doesn't mean she's a bad parent. So unless you're sure she's doing something dangerous or irresponsible with the kids, what you think of her as a person is irrelevant.

Be consistent. Kids need stability, limits, and familiarity, now more than ever. In particular, try to minimize disruptions to their school, homework, meal, extracurricular activity, chore, and bedtime routines. And while you want to avoid having petty disagreements with your ex in front of the kids, that doesn't mean that you should always go along with her way of handling things to avoid an argument. You're their parent, too, and you have an equal say in how to raise them. In the end, well-thought-out rules will benefit your children more than rash decisions that are given no real consideration.

Don't make any big changes. Your breakup has shocked your kids enough for a while. Switching schools, moving to a new house, or any other major change may be too much for them now and should be avoided if possible.

Get your emotions under control. Your kids will cope with the divorce pretty much the way you do. If you fall apart or get depressed and withdrawn, they will too; and if you run around blaming everyone else and acting like a victim, so will they. But if you can keep it together--at least in front of them--they'll hold up better. This doesn't mean that you should suppress how you feel and smile all the time. But it doesn't help your children if you sit around wallowing in your grief either.

When it's time to call in a professional
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your children will need more support than you can possibly provide. No, you're not a bad father; you just know your limitations.

For example, if your child suddenly starts regressing to behaviors he has long since abandoned--say, sucking his thumb or acting clingy--and it doesn't change after a few weeks, get him some help.

If your child withdraws from family or friends, has wild mood swings, becomes uncharacteristically aggressive, or starts having problems at school, and this behavior lasts more than a few weeks, get him some help.

Especially watch out for your sons, if you have any. Most four-year-olds already have learned that "big boys don't cry," and they're likely to pretend to be tougher than they really are (or should be). Exhibiting no reaction at all to your divorce could be a sign that your son isn't dealing with things well.

When looking for a therapist for your children, interview a few candidates before you make your final choice. Go with someone who has lots of experience with kids of divorce. Above all, be sure to find a professional who appreciates that you want to be involved in your kids' lives and supports you in that effort.

Click here to join the discussion on Fatherhood


RELATED INFORMATION

			Custody Issues in Divorce
			Divorce: How Older Children Respond
			Divorce: How Younger Children Respond
			Divorce
			Fathering

Created February 23, 2001
Reviewed February 24, 2001

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