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When a Man Isn't Ready to Be a Father
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
One drSpock.com member wrote in with this important and difficult question: "How do I deal with the fact that my boyfriend is not ready for our baby? I think he's trying to run away from our new situation."
As a pediatrician, I've talked with many mothers and mothers-to-be who found themselves in this situation. If your partner isn't ready to be a parent, you are not alone, although you may well feel that way. To have a new baby and a boyfriend who is "trying to run away" can be frightening and lonely.
How you deal with this situation depends, in part, on how you perceive it. Here are some ideas to consider:- It's normal to have mixed feelings about becoming a father or a mother for the first time. Parents-to-be often fear that they are about to lose what they value most-freedom, fun, a sense that everything is possible. Becoming a parent is scary for everyone, but it is especially frightening for people who have tense or angry relationships with their own parents because when they think "parent," the image that comes to mind is so negative. It's fine--really completely expected and normal--for your partner to feel nervous and unsure that he's willing to make this commitment. The feeling is not the issue; it's how he chooses to respond to the feeling.
- Women and men prepare for becoming parents in different ways, and on different schedules. The woman usually knows that she is pregnant before her partner does, and she knows it not only with her mind, but also with her body. She feels the changes, particularly when the baby begins to move on its own. Men find it much easier to deny to themselves that anything really has changed. Intellectually, they know that they are about to become fathers, but they may not really know it in the whole-body way that women do. Even men who are committed to the idea of fatherhood may take a long time--sometimes weeks or months after the child has been born--to truly realize that they are fathers, that is, that they themselves have changed.
- When a man is uncertain about his readiness to be a father, marriage (or a strongly committed relationship) may keep him from running away long enough for his fear and ambivalence to lessen, and for the joy and wonder of fatherhood to take hold. When a father does run away, the mother experiences a double loss: She loses her love relationship and she loses the dream of raising her baby in a two-parent family, with mother and father sharing the joys and the hardships. For many women, these losses are severe enough to trigger depression.
- Faced with a fearful father, you may persuade, argue, even yell, but in the end you cannot make choices for him. It may help to remind yourself that you are not in control of your partner's thoughts, feelings, or actions. That means, also, that you cannot feel responsible or guilty for the choice he ultimately makes.
- Remind yourself, too, that when a man runs away from fatherhood, his motivation is fear, not a personal rejection of the mother. In other words-- although this is much easier said than done--do not take it personally. You are not in any way to blame.
- Gather your support people--family and friends---and don't be afraid to ask for their help. Pregnancy is a time of heightened emotions, and the prospect of the father running away can easily overwhelm a person's coping ability. If you feel yourself becoming depressed, seek professional help, sooner rather than later. If you can persuade your partner to do the same, he may be able to work through some of his fear, and eventually embrace his new identity.
Click here to join the discussion on Fatherhood
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Created May 18, 2001
Reviewed August 15, 2004
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