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Getting Together with Other Fathers
by Armin Brott
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Being a dad--particularly an involved one--can sometimes be isolating. As you may have already figured out, there's not a lot of social support for fathers, and we're still often viewed as something of a novelty when we're out with our kids.
One of the best ways to overcome feelings of isolation or loneliness is to join or start a fathers' group. Because men usually aren't drawn to support groups (it smacks too much of asking for help, which goes against the masculine ideal), this may sound like a silly notion. But here are a few reasons why getting involved in a group is a better idea than you might think.
- You'll learn a lot. Your partner--and just about any other mother you know--gets a huge amount of parenting information and advice from other women: where to buy the best used kids' clothes, places to take babies on rainy days, surefire cures for illnesses, ways to deal with summer sniffles, the names of incredible babysitters, and more. As a guy, chances are you'll feel a little sheepish asking a woman for the answers to your questions. And you're not likely to turn to parenting magazines, because they're generally targeted at a female audience, which may make you feel out of place. But you--and other dads--know more than you think you do, and sharing that knowledge can help each other a lot.
- The support will help you through tough times. Yes, men are getting more used to sharing their feelings these days, but we still don't do it as often as we probably should--particularly in front of women. But hanging out with a group of guys provides an opportunity to talk about things you may be too embarrassed to discuss with your partner, such as the changes in your sex life. At times like these, it helps to talk to men who are going through--or went through--some of the same things you've been experiencing.
- You'll feel a sense of camaraderie.You'll soon realize that you're not the only one who has had (or has) worries or weird--or scary or joyous--thoughts about being a father. Getting other guys' perspectives will help you make sense of things. And your perspective will be reassuring to them, too.
- A group can provide encouragement and incentive. Along with the joys of being a parent come some unpleasant things. Your colicky baby might be driving you nuts, you may be jealous of your wife's closer relationship with the baby, or you might be worried that you aren't doing a very good job as a father. Sometimes knowing that you have people who'll let you complain or vent a little can make handling these things a little easier.
- It's good for you. Research has found that fathers who join support groups are happier than those who don't. The fact is, you can always benefit from some extra advice and support.
Finding other dads to join a group won't be easy. But if you put the word out at your church or synagogue, the OB-GYN's and the pediatrician's offices, or to the women in a mothers' group, you're likely to get some responses.
Even if you don't feel comfortable joining a group, try to make regular contact with other fathers anyway. Go out for a beer with another dad or check out some of the chat groups on the Web. You can't grow and develop as a father if you try to do your parenting in a vacuum. And trying to do everything on your own puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on you, your partner, and your kid.
Click here to join the discussion on Fatherhood
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Created February 23, 2001
Reviewed August 15, 2004
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