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| |    Grandparents' Relationship with Parents by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. In many parts of the world, grandparents are considered experts, and young parents take it for granted that when they have a question about their babies or need a little help, the grandparents will be there. When parents have this kind of confidence in the grandparents, they can get not only advice but also comfort. In the United States, though, new parents are often more inclined to turn to their doctors first, and some don't ever think of consulting their mothers or fathers. This is partly because we are so used to consulting professionals about our personal problems. Also, we take it for granted that knowledge advances rapidly, and so it's not uncommon to think that anyone who knew how to do a job 20 years ago will be behind the times today. Having the confidence to ask for help The fortunate young parents who have lots of natural self-confidence can turn easily to their mothers or fathers for help when they need it. And when the grandparents make a suggestion on their own, the parents find that they can accept it if it seems good, or tactfully let it pass and go their own way. But most young parents don't have that amount of assurance at first. Like almost everybody else in a new job, they are sensitive about possible inadequacies, touchy about criticism. Most grandparents remember this well from their earlier days and try hard not to interfere. On the other hand, they have the benefit of experience, they feel that they've developed a good sense of judgment, they love their grandchildren dearly, and they can't help having opinions. Making the relationship work I think that if young parents can find the courage, it helps to permit or even invite the grandparents to speak up about their opinions. Frank discussions are usually, in the long run, more comfortable than veiled hints or uneasy silences. A mother and father who are pretty sure that they are managing their babies properly can say, "I realize that this method doesn't seem quite right to you, and I'm going to discuss it again with the doctor to be sure that I've understood his directions." This doesn't mean the parents are giving in. They certainly reserve the right to make their own decisions in the end. They are only recognizing the grandmother or grandfather's good intentions and evident anxiety. The young parents who make a point of being reasonable will reassure the grandparents not only in regard to the present problem but also in regard to the future in general. Grandparents have the responsibility as well to foster an open, comfortable relationship. They can help the mother and father do a good job by showing confidence in their choices and by accepting their methods as much as possible. This behavior encourages the parents to ask for advice when they are in doubt.
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