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| |    Talking with Your Adolescent about His Adoption by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. During early adolescence (roughly between the ages of 13 and 16), it is very common for children who were adopted to actively seek out information about their biological parents. Some adolescents feel this as a pressing need; others are merely curious. An adolescent's preoccupation with his birth parents is not a negative reflection on the quality of parenting he has received. While the adoptive parents may feel uncomfortable about this, it's important that they try to understand and support this task if their child is committed to it. Ideally, parents have been talking with their child about his adoption throughout his childhood. Even so, adolescence is likely to bring up new concerns and needs. The reemergence of an issue that seemed to have been resolved long ago can take parents by surprise, but the process is natural and should be expected. Parents shouldn't feel that it is somehow their fault. The importance of openness In the past, when many parents tried to keep adoption a secret from their children, an adolescent's discovery that he was adopted often had a psychologically devastating effect. A great deal of work would be necessary to repair the damaged trust between parent and child. The older a child gets, the harder it may be for parents to tell them that they were adopted. But it is certainly better for children--at any age--to hear the truth from their adoptive parents rather than to find out some other way. Adoption and the issues of adolescence All adolescents go through a process of separating psychologically from their families. As part of the process, all children feel in some ways that they do not "belong" in their families. Children who were adopted, however, are likely to feel this separation even more intensely, because they really are different, biologically. While they reject their families, adolescents often idealize teachers or coaches, or the parents of friends. By modeling their behavior after these chosen adults, adolescents develop their own individual styles. As part of this process of choosing role models, adolescents who were adopted sometimes idealize their biological parents. This can happen whether or not they've ever met them. They may become convinced that their adoptive parents are dumb, square, and overcontrolling, and that their "real"--that is, biological--parents are smart, cool people who would never dream of making them come home before midnight. This rejection of the family and idealization of other people is bound to be hard on the parents. Even when they understand that these are normal phases, most parents can't help but feel at least a little bit bad. Adoptive parents may be especially sensitive to rejection by their adolescent children, perhaps because of a lingering feeling of guilt, as irrational as it may be. What parents can do It helps for parents to remind themselves that their adopted child is really and truly their child. Psychologically, this is certainly true. When parents fully believe this, it gives them the confidence to accept their adolescent's developmentally appropriate acts of rebellion without becoming unduly upset. The parents' sense of sureness also rubs off and helps the adolescent to feel safe. So even while he is busy pushing his parents away, deep down he'll find it comforting to know that they are never truly disconnected. Later adolescence Older adolescents often have concerns about who they are. Children who were adopted may find it particularly difficult to craft an identity for themselves because they lack biological parents as a template to either accept or reject. It may also take them longer than other young people to feel comfortable in committed relationships. Some will seek professional guidance or therapy to help them with this crucial developmental task. Parents can probably best help by continuing to provide the security and love they offered their children growing up, and the example of a healthy marriage.
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