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| |    Talking with a Preschooler about His Adoption by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Let's say that a child around three hears her mother explaining to a new acquaintance that she is adopted, and asks, "What's adopted,' Mommy?" She might answer, "A long time ago, I wanted very much to have a little baby girl to love and take care of. So I went to a place where there were a lot of babies, and I told the lady, 'I want a little girl with brown hair and blue eyes.' So she brought me a baby, and it was you. And I said, 'Oh, this is just exactly the baby that I want. I want to adopt her and take her home to keep forever.' And that's how I adopted you." This makes a good beginning because it emphasizes the positive side of the adoption, the fact that the mother received just what she wanted. The story will delight the child, and she'll want to hear it many times. Between the ages of three and four, like most children, she will want to know where babies come from. It is best to answer truthfully but simply enough so that the three-year-old can understand easily. But when her adopted mother explains that babies grow inside the mother's abdomen, it makes her wonder how this fits in with the story of picking her out at the agency. Maybe then, or months later, she asks, "Did I grow inside you?" Then the adopting mother can explain, simply and casually, that she grew inside another mother before she was adopted. This is apt to confuse her for a while, but she will get it clear later. Eventually the child will raise the more difficult question of why her biological parents gave her up. To imply that they didn't want her would shake her confidence in all parents. Any sort of made-up reason may bother her later in some unexpected way. Perhaps the best answer and nearest to the truth might be, "I don't know why they couldn't take care of you, but I'm sure they wanted to." During this period when the child is digesting this idea, she needs to be reminded, along with a hug, that she's always going to be yours now.
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