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| |    The Unpopular Child (School Age) by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. School-age children are often very direct in their assessments of each other. One child is clearly popular-"cool" is the word children often use-while another is "weird." When a child has been labeled "uncool," it can be very painful for the child and his parents alike. He may swagger, boast that he doesn't care, and even deliberately act in ways that are the opposite of cool. But, ultimately, these are simply ways to handle sadness by pretending it's not there. Helping a child fit in better, and thus feel better, has to be done delicately. While it might be tempting to lecture a child--"If you'd only act better, smile more, try harder!"--in most cases, this approach only ends up reinforcing the child's belief that there really is something wrong with him. Nor does it make sense to add to the child's denial by saying something along the lines of "Why are you worried about what other children think about you? It doesn't matter!" School-age children know that it does matter. Instead, a low-key, optimistic approach may be best. You could say, for example, "I'm going to do a couple of things to help make school feel better for you." Here are some suggestions, in Dr. Spock's own words: How a teacher can help If a boy is having trouble making friends, it helps most if he can be in a school and in a class where the program is flexible. Then the teacher can arrange things so that he has chances to use his abilities to contribute to class projects. This is how the other children learn to appreciate his good qualities and to like him. A good teacher who is respected by the class can also raise a child's popularity in the group by showing that she appreciates that child. It even helps to put him in a seat next to a very popular child, or to let him be partners with that child in activities, going on errands around the school, etc. Things to try at home There are things that the parents can do at home, too. Be friendly and hospitable when your child brings others home to play. Encourage him to invite friends to meals and then serve the dishes that they consider "super." When you plan weekend trips, picnics, excursions, movies, and other shows, invite another child with whom your child wants to be friends--not necessarily the one you would like him to be friendly with. Children, like adults, have a mercenary side, and they are more apt to see the good points in a child who provides treats for them. Naturally, you don't want your child to have only "bought" popularity; that kind won't last anyway. What you are after is to prime the pump, to give him a chance to break into a group that may be shutting him out because of the natural clannishness of this age. Then, if he has appealing qualities, he can take over from that start and build real friendships of his own.
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