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| |    Bully-Proofing Your Child by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. During the course of her school career, your child is likely to encounter a bully or two. Before that happens, make sure that you talk with her so that she feels comfortable telling you about any bullying that takes place. Bullies often use threats to keep children silent, increasing the victims' isolation and hopelessness. The most important message for a child to hear is, "You do not have to deal with bullying alone. I will help you." Children need to realize that speaking out against bullies and getting help is not snitching; it is an act of bravery. How can I tell if my child is a victim? If a child starts coming home hungry, it may be because a bully is taking her lunch. Another child may come home with cuts and bruises or torn clothes. A child who all of a sudden insists on walking the long way to school may be avoiding a bully in the neighborhood. Children who are being bullied also may show signs of depression, school avoidance, or chronic physical complaints such as headaches or stomachaches. A child psychologist, social worker, behavioral-developmental pediatrician, or other child mental health professional can often help a child deal with the emotional damage done by bullying. Should a child fight back? Telling a child to fight back doesn't work. Bullies pick on smaller, weaker, and/or younger children. The child who is a victim feels that she has no power. And if she does muster her courage for a show of force, it's likely to only cause the bully to redouble his efforts to victimize her. Some victims take to carrying knives and even guns in hopes of protecting themselves. But this strategy can backfire with tragic consequences, not the least of which is expulsion from school for violating a zero-tolerance weapons ban. In the worst case, of course, weapons result in deaths. Keeping cool is key Bullies seek out victims who are easy to intimidate. A child who reacts calmly is a much less appealing target. It's not enough, though, to simply tell your child to ignore the bully. Children need specific training in how to stand up to a bully without inviting a violent response. Specific techniques that often help include
Help your child make friends and feel successful Children without friends are easier targets for bullies, and children who are victims have a hard time making friends. For one thing, being a victim destroys a child's self-confidence. Bullies socially isolate their victims in many ways. They let it be known that any child who takes the victim's part is inviting an attack on himself. One solution is to help your child find an activity away from the school that he can enjoy and feel successful at. This might be music, art, or drama lessons, for example. Many children find that martial arts training helps build confidence and allows contact with peers in a closely supervised setting. High-quality martial arts classes stress discipline and self-defense. They teach children to protect themselves by avoiding conflicts, only fighting as a last resort. Whatever activity your child chooses, though, he'll benefit from knowing that he can be socially successful and accomplished. The problem lies with the bully, not the victim! Work with other parents, and with the school Bullies count on their victims being isolated. As one parent alone, you might also feel helpless to combat bullying. Even individual teachers feel helpless--particularly because the upsetting behavior often doesn't occur within the classroom. But if you team up with other parents, and work with the school, you become a very powerful, effective force. You can, for example, organize neighbors to keep watch for bullying and intervene right away. Our article on effective anti-bullying programs describes how parents and a school together can eliminate bullying.
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