When You Don't Like Your Child's Friends-School Age

August 29, 2008

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When You Don't Like Your Child's Friends-School Age

by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.

Your second-grader's best friend is, well, rude. She never says "please" or "thank you." She bosses everyone around, including your daughter. You can't imagine what the attraction is, and you certainly don't want your daughter to take on her friend's manners.

Your fourth-grader really likes one particular boy. But when he comes over, all he ever talks about is how much money his dad and mom make, all the great stuff they own, and where they're going on vacation. You want your child to grow up with less materialistic values.

What's a parent to do when you don't like your child's friends? This situation is bound to arise on occasion because you and your child have different perceptions. Where you see a rude child, your daughter sees a play partner who always has lots of good ideas. Where you detect rampant materialism, your son simply sees someone who shares an interest in stamp collecting or tree climbing.

In extreme situations, of course, you have to intervene. If your son's friend has a great interest in fire and persists in experimenting in your basement, you clearly need to act. If a girl often bullies your daughter or calls her hurtful names, you need to put a stop to that "friendship." But more often the decision will be less straightforward. You understand that your child needs to be able to pick his own friends, but you don't want those friends to be bad influences. Here are some things to keep in mind as you find the balance that's right for you:

The younger your child is, the more control you have over his choice of playmates. Once a child is in school, it becomes less and less practical to make enforceable rules about who his friends can be. So, to a certain extent, you have to accept that the choice is somewhat out of your hands; you have to trust your child.

Although peer groups often exert a lot of influence on how a child dresses or talks, a child's core values are much more strongly shaped by what goes on at home. In particular, they learn the values of kindness and not hurting others in their relationships with parents. I think that it is unlikely that a peer group changes those core values--children tend to choose friends who share their values, if not their outward style.

One alternative to a complete ban on a friendship is to set rules about how the friends can interact. For example, you can make sure that your very active son and his equally rambunctious friend only play together outside, when there is a grownup present.

You can help your child think about the behaviors of her friends. If you notice rudeness or materialism, you can take the opportunity to let your son know how you feel. If a child habitually treats your daughter badly, criticizing or ridiculing her and eroding her self-esteem, you can help her realize that maybe she doesn't have a real friend there. Children really do listen to their parents' opinions on a host of matters.

If you are extremely irritated by the behavior of a particular friend, chances are that your child also is aware of these negative aspects of her personality. Sometimes children need help saying "no." If you've decided that a certain child is truly a bad influence, it's best to give a simple, honest explanation. You might say, for example, "I don't want you to play with Suzy anymore because she always tries to get you to do things that you know are off-limits."

You can increase the chances that your child will choose friends you approve of by participating in community institutions, such as religious or social organizations, where your child is likely to meet children from families who share your values.


RELATED INFORMATION

			How to Help Your School-Age Child Make Friends
			Friends and Peers

Created January 28, 2001
Reviewed August 15, 2004

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