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| |    Dads in the Delivery Room by Armin Brott reviewed by Marjorie Greenfield, M.D. Not all that long ago, dads weren't expected-or even welcome-to attend the births of their children. Today, though, any guy who isn't jumping up and down about the idea of being in the delivery room is generally considered an insensitive Neanderthal. It's nice that times have changed, but the problem is that too many people don't realize that there's a difference between encouraging dads to be involved in their partners' pregnancies and pressuring them to do things they don't feel comfortable doing. The bare truth is that not every man has the same level of interest in watching his children come into the world. In fact, for some guys, a hospital delivery room is the very last place they belong. Reasons why some dads aren't sure they're fit for duty There are all sorts of reasons why you might not want to stay in the delivery room the whole time. Maybe you're the kind of guy who gets squeamish during routine medical procedures. Or you might have been scared stiff by the childbirth-prep videos in prenatal class and you're worried that you'll fall apart, making things even harder on your partner. You may not want to see your wife in pain, or you may be harboring some ambivalence about the pregnancy. Or you just might resent the people all around you who are pressuring you to do things you don't want to. If you're somewhat less than completely enthusiastic about being an active labor and delivery participant, don't beat yourself up too badly or allow yourself to feel like a failure. You're certainly not. Everything you're worried about-and any other reasons you might have for not wanting to be there-are absolutely normal. In fact, as many as half of all expectant fathers have at least some ambivalence about participating in the birth of their children. Clearly, being forced into a role that isn't comfortable for you will do you--and your partner--more harm than good. But there are a few things you might want to try that could help you get over some of your concerns: Educate yourself. Maybe what's really bugging you is your fear of the unknown-after all, birth can seem like a pretty mysterious process. Go to the childbirth preparation classes, read a childbirth book specifically geared for dads, maybe even talk with her obstetrician, midwife, or prenatal instructor. There's a good chance that the more that you know about what lies ahead, the more confident you'll feel. Discuss your feelings with your partner. She needs to know what you're feeling and why, and it can help to find out exactly what she expects from you during labor and delivery. But be particularly sensitive to the way you do this. Instead of being sympathetic, your partner may interpret your apprehensiveness as a sign that you don't care about her or the baby. Clarify your role. Maybe you really don't mind being there for the birth, but you're concerned about your partner's insistence that you cut the umbilical cord. Or maybe you hate the idea of videotaping the whole blessed event. Yes, this is your wife's big day and you're playing a supporting role, but you still have a right to draw the line at certain things that you're truly reluctant to do. Talk with your partner frankly-she's sure to prefer that you participate in some way, even if it's not exactly on all her own terms. Relax. No matter how nervous or squeamish you feel anticipating the birth, the reality is that expectant dads rarely fall apart once they're actually in the delivery room. There's something about supporting our wives and wanting to be the first ones to greet our newborns that keeps us relatively calm and focused. Get additional support. If you're really worried about losing it or just not being an effective enough labor coach, hire a doula or enlist one of your wife's sisters or friends to be in the delivery room with you. Talk to other dads. Spend some time talking with other men who may have been through something similar. They'll probably understand your feelings, and might have some advice to offer about how they coped with their own squeamishness, for instance, or overcame their feeling of helplessness in the face of their loved one's pain. Even if they don't have pearls of wisdom to offer, it can be reassuring just to talk things out and get some proof that you're not alone. Most will tell you that being there was a roller-coaster ride of conflicting emotional states, including exhaustion, exhilaration, amazement, boredom, fear, annoyance, panic, and zenlike calm. And just about all dads will tell you that they wouldn't have missed it for the world. If all possible, tough it out. No matter how eloquently you explain your reasons, missing the birth is probably going to hurt your partner. So if you're not absolutely at the panic stage, consider being there for the birth for no other reason than that it'll probably make your partner happy. Bottom line: being present at the birth isn't a necessity. If you decide that you just can't go through with it, stick to your guns. And don't worry about how your child will turn out. Yes, there's plenty of evidence about how early parent-child bonding has a positive impact on kids, but your not being there for the actual birth-whether it's because you didn't want to or because you simply couldn't-will not cripple your children. You'll still be able to establish a strong relationship with them. Just try to get there as soon as you can after the birth.
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