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| |    Your New Role as a Father by Armin Brott reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. You've had a lot to think about lately: your partner's and baby's safety and health, how you're going to be able to afford to send your child to college, maybe how you're going buy a bigger house. Chances are a lot of what you've been thinking about has to do with taking care of other people and things. But at some point this will probably change a little, and you'll find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about how this whole pregnancy and fatherhood thing is actually going to change your own life. Inward bound. What kind of a dad are you going to be? Just like your own dad? Just the opposite? Are you going to be able to spend as much time with your baby as you'd like to? What's going to happen to your social life--not to mention your sex life--after the baby comes? Are you going to pass out in the delivery room? These and other thoughts may preoccupy you for hours, sometimes to the exclusion of just about everything else, even your wife. Don't worry, though, this sort of reflection is perfectly normal and there's nothing to feel guilty about. The problem is that changing your focus to all the things that are going on inside your head tends to come at a time when your wife (who has been pretty focused on herself until now) is starting to focus on you, too. As the pregnancy progresses, she may start feeling insecure and will need you to reassure her that you're always going to be there for her. She also might be feeling emotionally needy and crave confirmation that you love her and that you're going to love the baby. Finding the right balance. Pay close attention to your partner's subtle (or not so subtle) hints, and make sure she gets the attention she needs. If she doesn't, she may think you don't care and her fears and worries could get worse. At the same time, though, don't forget about your own needs. The combination of your internal monologue and the external pressures coming from your wife can sometimes seem like too much to handle. You may be tempted to try to run away from the external pressures by distancing yourself from your wife (you can't, of course, get away from your internal demons). If you can, tell her what's on your mind; it'll probably make you feel a lot better. But do it in a non-confrontational sort of way. If she doesn't react well, reassure her that even though you might be a little preoccupied, you still love her and you're not going anywhere. This talk isn't a one-time deal-during the pregnancy and after your baby is born, you and your wife will go through many changes. Sometimes you'll be panicked by your pressing responsibilities, sometimes you'll glory in your role as a family man. Keep the lines of communication open, even if you don't always like what each other has to say. Your marriage will be stronger and you'll better able to figure out what you and your partner need as individuals, as well as part of a family unit. Click here to join the discussion on Fatherhood
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