 | ||
|
| |    Dealing with Grandparents and In-Laws at Holiday Time by Susan E. Davis reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. Here's the fantasy scenario: Your parents fly in from afar, bearing an appropriate number of appropriate gifts. They help you decorate, cook, and clean up, they entertain your children while you nap, and they praise your parenting style. In fact, they don't even lift an eyebrow when your two-year-old pitches a tantrum or your 13-year-old leaves the room in a huff. If your parents and in-laws are like that, read no further. But chances are the relatives are either overly involved (i.e., they swoop in, take control, and subtly or not-so-subtly criticize everything that happens in your household) or completely passive (i.e., you spend the entire week cooking for them, entertaining them, and trying to soothe their discomfort at being stuck in the middle of your chaotic household). Or maybe somewhere in between. Of course, there is also the problem of relatives who don't come to visit at all during the holidays. You can choose to travel to them, but that entails choices about whose house to visit, as well as the not inconsiderable wear and tear of packing up kids, clothes, and presents and hitting the road. Or you can choose to stay home, but that means your children miss vital contact with family. How to handle all these choices? Family is crucial to all of us; but learning how to deal with our extended families can be hard. Here are a few tips: Keep in touch all year. Piling all the family-togetherness time into the holidays can make for a pretty pressurized situation. Instead, be sure to spread out visits, phone calls, emails, and letters. Maybe exchange gifts on birthdays, but skip Christmas and Hanukkah. Schedule family reunions for the summer, when you won't have to worry as much about crowded airports and bad weather. Be as firm as possible about schedules. Some kids naturally take new places and changes in routines in stride. Others have a harder time. If yours fall into the latter category, try to stick to some semblance of a normal routine when traveling to distant cities or entertaining extended family at your home. Children still need regular meals, naptimes, and bedtimes. Lack of structure and over-excitement are great ways to make tempers flare on all sides. Be assertive. If you don't feel comfortable when your slightly tipsy 80-year-old grandmother starts dancing your six-week-old son around the house, don't just sit there; politely but quickly remove the baby from her arms. Similarly, if your father suggests that your 14-year-old should be able to stay out until 2 a.m. on New Year's Eve, and you disagree, simply say, "I'm sorry, Dad, that's not acceptable to us." Then continue your negotiations with your son. Especially when dealing with your parents, it's easy to fall back into a role of childlike compliance--or just not want to hurt anyone's feelings. But remember that you're an adult now, too, and are quite capable of making your own family decisions. But also be flexible. You may never be able to change your father's controlling ways. But you can change the way you deal with it: by laughing about it with friends, quietly continuing to do things your own way, or reacting with humor instead of impatience when he starts to dictate the best way to carve a turkey. Similarly, you may hate the fact that Aunt Deb always gives candy to the kids. But try to remember . . . didn't you love the toffee your grandmother used to set out at her house, too? You might think it's unhealthy now, but remember that you can always brush your kids' teeth and that they're not getting it at your house. In other issues too, you may be able to give your relatives a bit more leeway--as long as health, safety, or your family's basic values aren't endangered. Keep distant relatives involved. Far-away family tend to get cranky--or lonely--when they feel left out of the festivities. You can involve them by having your children send homemade presents and baked goods. Or make a video or photo album of your holiday season and send it along. Even a simple phone call to let them know that you're thinking about them can speed some seasonal cheer across the miles.
| |  | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| About Us |
Contact Us |
Our Partners Privacy Policy | Ethics | Advertising Policy | Terms of Service © Copyright 2004 The Dr. Spock Company. All Rights Reserved. THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. The information drSpock.com
provides is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for
professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care
professional if you have a specific health concern. Mention or advertisement
of any product, service, or brand does not constitute endorsement, guarantee,
or recommendation by The Dr. Spock Company. Please read our full
Terms of Service. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
