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| |    Dealing with Yours, Mine and Ours at Holiday Time by Susan E. Davis reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Today's families are rarely the tidy, homogenous nuclear families most of us knew when we were growing up--or at least saw represented on TV. Instead, there are often stepparents and step-siblings involved in the mix (about one-half of all American families currently include stepchildren), as well as an intriguing assortment of races, religions, and cultural histories. The upside: Such diversity can enrich children's lives as they learn about customs and beliefs different from their own. The downside: It can make settling on a set of family traditions a source of difficulty, if not downright friction. How to navigate these tricky waters? Sometimes remembering the lessons we teach our children is the very best way to deal with blended families. Share. You grew up Catholic and your husband grew up Jewish. Even if you don't consider yourself religious, the holidays may pull on your heartstrings enough to make you yearn to re-create your childhood rituals. That's only natural, and it doesn't have to turn into a fight. Instead, talk to your husband about what traditions are important to both of you, and why. Then plan out just which traditions you'll include at your house. Maybe you'll have a tree and a menorah, but no nativity scene. Or maybe Santa Claus is important to you, but your husband doesn't want overemphasize presents. And don't forget that your older children may already be very attached to the traditions of their original household. You and your new spouse might have some preliminary discussions, but have family meetings, too, so that your children feel included in the decision making. Try to start your research and conversations early; hey, July isn't too soon. If you wait until November, the holiday clock already will already be ticking and you're less likely to be gracious. Speak clearly. The holidays can get very, very tense if you have set ideas on what your children should do (e.g., go to religious services) and what they should wear (e.g., nice clothes). In a stepfamily, your ex-partner's new partner may not be aware of your feelings--or may not agree with them. Try to have a meeting of the minds with your ex-partner before the holidays begin to nail down the details, including a visit schedule, expected behavior, and what kinds of gifts are acceptable. That can spare you, and your children, a fair amount of friction. Be curious. Yes, the pickle trick from your husband's German heritage is a bit weird at the holiday table, but it's probably no weirder than your wanting to hang an African flag in the living room the day after Christmas. Again, asking questions and listening carefully can turn what could be a fight into a learning experience. Take turns. Holidays are the times most of us want to spend with our children. But when there are two households involved--plus all the demands of relatives on either side--it can be hard to remember to divide the children's time fairly. Keep track of who got to do what with whom each year (in fact, write it down and save it), so that next year's schedule is easier to make. And be sure to let the children have their say, too--they may prefer your house on Christmas Eve to your ex-spouse's, or they may think your new Moslem mother-in-law's stuffed grape leaves is a much better holiday appetizer than the beet salad your family always served. Older children will also want to spend time with their friends, not just family, and both parents should agree to provide that opportunity. Keep your promises. Once you make your visitation arrangements, keep them if you possibly can. If you promise to take them to the mall, put up the Hanukkah decorations, or pick out the Christmas tree on a certain day, do it, even though your boss is pressuring you to go to another client dinner or a friend calls with a tempting last-minute invitation. Kids look forward to the holidays and they'll be anxious about splitting their time between several different households. Knowing they can count on you helps provide some much-needed stability and comfort in their lives.
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