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| |    Special Holiday Concerns of Single-Parent Families by Susan E. Davis reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. In addition to all the other stresses of the holiday season, single parents can be prey to their own special brand of misery. There's that insidious pressure to make the holiday picture perfect, despite the missing spouse. There's the financial panic that can set in when only one paycheck has to cover all the toys, decorations, food, and travel. And there's the heartache of realizing that your child may feel forlorn, torn, guilty, or depressed because she's splitting her time between two houses, or because one parent isn't on the scene at all. How you adjust to the situation will have a strong bearing on how your child fares. Here are a few tips for keeping the atmosphere light, loving, and festive, even if this is your first holiday season without your ex: Watch your finances. Yes, it's tempting to go all out to give your children the best, biggest, and most beautiful holiday ever, or even to compete with your ex-partner to see who can give the most lavish presents. But if it makes you broke, you're likely to feel resentful and anxiety ridden once the holiday has passed. Instead, try to make the holiday meaningful by sharing special time with your children and de-emphasizing the commercial aspects. Continue some old, beloved traditions. Just because Dad isn't there to hoist up the tree or Mom isn't around to make latkes doesn't mean that holidays need be devoid of cherished customs. Ask friends and family to help with any rituals that you can't do alone. The continuity provided by tradition is crucial in times of dramatic change. Split the time graciously. It's important that children spend time with both parents without having to overhear squabbling about who gets to do what, when, where, and with whom. It's also crucial that they not have to choose sides or listen to either spouse criticizing the other--as in "your father cheated on presents once again" or "your mother never could cook very well, could she?" If one parent has left the scene entirely, take extra pains not to criticize him or her. If you can, offer a bit of reassurance to the children, perhaps along the lines of "Something is going on in Mommy's life right now and she can't be with us. I know she wishes that she could be." Make contact, somehow. If you're the absent parent, be sure to reach out in some way during the holidays, whether it's by writing letters, calling, or sending a present. You may feel hurt by or resentful of your ex-partner, but this is a particularly vulnerable time for children, and it will mean so much to them to know that you still care. Take care of yourself. Guilt over your marital situation--or lack thereof--may make you want to spend every minute with your children. But that's not always the wisest approach. Instead, do a few things that make you feel good about the holidays, too--going to a singles support group, getting gussied up for a holiday party, attending a religious ceremony. A happy parent, even a single happy parent, is key to a happy family.
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