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| |    Preteens and Teens: Keeping Them Close for the Holidays by Susan E. Davis reviewed by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. At a time when parents want to gather their family to home and hearth, an adolescent's quest for independence can be painful, even the source of major friction within the family. You want your teenager to join you at temple, for instance, but he wants to go to the movies with his friends instead. Or just as your mother is serving her famous garlic-studded Christmas goose, your 16-year-old daughter announces that all she wants for Christmas is for someone to take her vegetarianism seriously. You may feel like throwing up your hands. But the wiser course of action is to keep the lines of communication and compassion wide open, all the while giving your budding adult plenty of room to explore. Sure, her outlandish fashion sense, half-baked political views, and seemingly boundless selfishness might make you grit your teeth or wonder if perhaps there was a mix-up in the maternity ward after all. But what adolescents still need, and need deeply, is a sense that family remains the source of unconditional love and support. So how do you include growing children who more often than not act like they don't want to be around you? Show your trust. Try giving them plenty of responsibility at holiday time--but make sure it's the kind of responsibility they like. Adolescents thrive on mastering tasks, such as assembling the artificial Christmas tree, making the perfect latke, setting a gorgeous holiday table, or carefully crafting holiday cards. If you find that you're butting heads most of the time, give them discrete jobs that they can tackle from start to finish on their own -- and then be sure to praise their efforts, even if everything isn't done exactly as you would have done it. Give them their say. Likewise, let your adolescent participate in decisions about how the holiday should be celebrated. Call a family meeting and discuss some of the traditions that are open to negotiation, maybe what foods should be eaten, who should be invited, how the house will be decorated, what type of seasonal entertainment the family will take in this year. This will make your preteens and teens feel as if they have valuable contributions to offer and that you respect their opinions. Appeal to their hearts and minds. Because your adolescent is no doubt grappling with questions of her own identity, and because her capacity for abstract thinking is greatly expanding, this is also a perfect time to help her start wrestling with some of the deeper questions provoked by the holidays: Did Jesus really exist? Why is a sense of black identity important in a white world? How can the Jews and Arabs learn to live in harmony in the Holy Land? What are some practical and meaningful New Year's resolutions? Listening carefully and respectfully to her mental machinations can forge deep bonds. And encouraging her to act on the holiday themes of giving, compassion, and spirituality can counter some of the rampant materialism and commercialism of the season (not to mention the natural egocentrism of adolescence). Applaud her efforts to participate in her school's annual toy drive or car wash for charity, cheer her decision to babysit in the homeless shelter or deliver hot meals to ailing seniors. Honor their peers. Finally, recognize that your adolescent's desire to spend a great deal of time with peers is very real and very important -- a true developmental necessity and not in any way a negative reflection on her sense of family. Encourage her to spend time with friends during the holidays, and include them in your own family celebrations when you can. You might even suggest that your child plan and put on a holiday party of her own. Family rules about alcohol, sexual activities, and curfews will have to be respected, of course, but otherwise, giving your child the responsibility for issuing invitations, cooking up food, and decorating can bolster her feelings that she is capable, independent, and trusted.
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