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Raising a Responsible Teen
by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
reviewed by Lynn Cates, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Being responsible is not just a matter of doing what one is told. A responsible teen decides what needs to be done, does it, and accepts the consequences. She knows that her actions matter, and she feels in control of herself. Responsibility is learned over time. Young children start out by helping their parents; older children gradually take on bigger duties and more independence.
An irresponsible adolescent poses a special challenge to parents because the time for learning responsibility already has largely passed. Still, there are things you can do to help your teen catch up:
- Do less. Stop doing things for your teen that she can do for herself, such as making her lunches when she forgets or running an extra "emergency" load of wash so she can have the clothes she wants for the next day. The parents who complain most bitterly about their teens' irresponsibility are often the ones who work the hardest to ensure that their kids don't have to do anything themselves.
- Let consequences happen. You don't have to come up with special punishments to discourage irresponsibility. Simply let nature take its course. If your teen forgets homework assignments, she might get a lower grade or have to do make-up work. If she doesn't throw her clothes into the hamper, she might have nothing but dirty clothes to wear. If she's late for her job, she might lose it. Of course, it's hard to stand idly by while your child suffers embarrassment or defeat; a parent's natural inclination is to jump in and help out. Remind yourself that the most helpful thing you can do is to allow your adolescent to learn to take responsibility--the sooner, the better.
- Give a regular allowance, but no extras. When teenagers see their parents as a source of ready cash, they have no incentive to handle money responsibly. Instead, decide on a fair amount, enough to allow your teen to spend a little and also save for larger purchases. Then refuse to pay for any nonessential items. If your teen spends irresponsibly, she won't have the money for something else later and she'll learn the value of a dollar.
- Help your teen get organized. Adolescents who have trouble staying organized can appear irresponsible. You can teach them techniques for organization, such as always putting their keys in a particular spot, using a day planner, and so on. As simple as these strategies might sound, they are not always obvious or easy to adopt. You may need to work hard with your adolescent to teach her the organizational habits she needs.
- Help your teen think through her options. Many children need help with the decision-making process. Adolescents make large, life-changing decisions such as whether or not to drink, smoke, have sex, or go to college. They also make smaller, but still important decisions such as whether to go out for soccer or use the time for studying or an after-school job. One way to help is to sit down together and actually use paper and pencil to work though the following thought process: What, precisely, is the problem? What are all of the possible responses to it? What are the likely consequences of each response? Which of those consequences is most desirable, from a practical, personal, moral, and legal point of view?
Responsibility is not learned overnight. If your child has enjoyed years of a relatively carefree and careless existence (with well-meaning but overly indulgent parents making sure that she never faced the consequences of her actions), it's not reasonable to expect things to change overnight, no matter what you do. It may take many months, if not years, for her to learn that she can--and needs to--handle things herself. How responsible or irresponsible she is at any particular moment is less important than the fact that she (and you) are making progress towards your shared goal.
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Created November 29, 2001
Reviewed November 29, 2001
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