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General Principles of Stepparenting
by Dr. Benjamin Spock
reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
There are some general principles that may or may not be helpful and that are certainly difficult to apply:
The first step is for the parents to agree ahead of time on how they'll handle the children and to have realistic expectations of what the new family will be like.
Give children time to adjust. It's important for the parents to understand, as I had to learn the hard way, that children need plenty of time to get used to the new arrangement. Be consistent with the children about family rules regarding bedtime, chores and homework, and allow time for them to accept these rules.
Don't assume an immediate role as disciplinarian. It is better for you, the stepparent, to avoid moving into the guiding and correcting role of a full parent until you have been accepted. If you immediately try to enforce such things as chores, bedtime and curfews, you are sure to be judged as a harsh intruder even if you are laying down exactly the same rules as the natural parent.
Lay down some initial ground rules. On the other hand, it's not good for you to be submissive when the stepchild intrudes into your territory, for instance, abusing one of your possessions. Then you should say in a friendly but firm way that you don't like abuse of yourself or your things. Yet you can't make an issue of every hostile angry look. You'd be grouchy all day. So ignore the small slights and save your comments for major infractions of the rules.
Don't hesitate to get professional guidance. Last, but certainly not least, remember that many marriages and stepfamilies do not survive the stresses I have just described. If you are just a bit concerned about the relationships in your stepfamily, get professional help.An adult or child psychiatrist or psychologist has dealt with problems like yours many times and will be able to help. The help may take the form of guidance or direction for the parents on how to proceed, marital or family therapy, or individual counseling for one or more of the children. You may want to join a group of stepparents, or ask your child guidance center for information on such a group.
Your new family can be a source of love and happiness for all concerned if the difficult real and emotional issues are recognized and addressed. Good luck.
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Adapted from Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care
Reviewed September 18, 2004
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