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| |    Stepfamilies by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. Years ago, with what I thought was great wisdom, I wrote a magazine article about stepparenting. Then in 1976 I became a stepfather and realized that I was quite incapable of following my own advice. I had advised stepparents to strictly avoid trying to be disciplinarians, but I kept reproaching my 11-year-old stepdaughter for her consistent rudeness, and I kept trying to make her conform to a few rules of mine. This was one of the most painful relationships I ever experienced, and the one that taught me the most. Resentment of intruders Perhaps the strongest reason that stepfamily relationships so often sour is that human beings at any age resent an intruder into an intimate family relationship. When I reproached my wife for not making her daughter treat me more civilly, she correctly pointed out that my two grown sons, approaching middle age, were barely civil to her at first. The resentment of my stepdaughter and of my two grown sons reminded me of a 2-year-old first child's bitterness about the intrusion of a new baby. My wife, stepdaughter and I went for counseling, and the counselor told me that I was living in a fool's paradise if I thought that I could be quickly accepted by an 11-year-old stepdaughter. It would take years, and it did. The evil stepmother or stepfather It's no accident that so many fairy tales have an evil stepmother or stepfather as the villain. Stepfamily relationships lend themselves to mutual misunderstandings, jealousy, and resentment. A child has her mother all to herself after a parental divorce and forms an unusually close and possessive bond with the custodial parent. Then along comes a strange man who takes away the parent's heart, bed and at least half of her attention. The child cannot help but resent this intruder, no matter how hard the stepparent tries to form a good relationship. The resentment often takes extreme forms. This gets under the stepparent's skin and he will feel the urge to respond with equal hostility. The new relationship between the adults quickly becomes strained because it feels like a no-win, either-or choice. The main thing for stepparents to realize is that this hostility, on both sides, is almost inevitable and not a reflection of their worth or of the eventual outcome of the relationship. The tension often persists for months or years and only gradually lessens. In rare other situations, the new parent may be much more easily accepted. Positive aspect of stepfamilies These stresses are fairly universal, but by no means are they the whole picture. There are also a number of potential benefits. First, while difficulty is the rule in the beginning, most members eventually adapt to the new circumstance and accept their place in the new family constellation. But remember, this adaptation takes time. Often stepsiblings and stepparents establish close, long-lasting relationships. After all, each has the shared experience of a disrupted and reconstituted family. The "dual citizenship" of living in two separate families can enrich a child's understanding and acceptance of diversity and cultural difference.
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