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| |    Single Parents - 2 by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. The mother as single parent Children need to be friendly with other men Meeting your own needs The mother as single parent Let's take the example of the child who has no father because of divorce or death, or because he was born to a single mother, or because a single woman adopted him. It would be foolish to say that the father's absence makes no difference to this child or that it's easy for the mother to make it up to him in other ways. But if the job is handled well, the child will grow up well adjusted. The mother's spirit is most important. A single mother may feel lonely, imprisoned, or cross at times, and she will sometimes take her feelings out on the child. This is natural and won't hurt him too much. The important thing is for her to go on being a normal human being, keeping up her friendships, her recreations, her career, and her outside activities as far as she can and not have her life totally revolve around her child. This is hard if she has a baby or child to take care of and no one to help her. But she can ask people in, and take the baby to a friend's house for an evening if he can adjust to sleeping in strange places. It's more valuable to him to have his mother cheerful and outgoing than to have his routine perfect. It won't do him any good to have her wrap all her activity and thoughts and affection around him. Children, young or old, boys or girls, need to be friendly with other men if the father is not there With babies up to the age of a year or two, a good deal is accomplished if they can just be reminded frequently that there are such creatures as agreeable men, with lower voices, different clothes, and a different manner than women. A kindly grocer who just grins and says hello helps even if there are no closer friends. As children go on toward three and over, the kind of companionship they share with men is increasingly important. They need chances to be with and feel close to men and older boys. Grandfathers, uncles, cousins, scout masters, male teachers, a priest or minister or rabbi, and family friends can serve as substitute fathers if they enjoy the child's company and see him or her fairly regularly. Children of three or over build up an image of their father that is their ideal and inspiration, whether they remember him or not. The other friendly men they see and play with give substance to the image, influence their conception of their father, make their father mean more to them. The mother can help by being extra hospitable to male relatives, sending her son or daughter to a camp that has some male counselors, picking a school, if she has a choice, that has some male teachers, encouraging a child to join clubs and other organizations that have male leaders. The boy without a father particularly needs opportunities and encouragement to play with other boys, every day if possible, by the age of two, and to be mainly occupied with childish pursuits. The temptation of the mother who has no other equally strong ties is to make her son her closest spiritual companion, getting him interested in her preoccupations, hobbies, and tastes. If she succeeds in making her world more appealing to him and easier to get along in than the world of boys, where he would have to make his own way, he may grow up with predominantly adult interests. It's all to the good if a mother can spend time and have plenty of fun with her boy, provided she also lets him go his own way, provided she shares in his interests rather than having him share too many of hers. It helps to invite other boys to the house regularly and to take them along on treats and trips. Meeting your own needs Your primary concern is to meet the needs of your children - for adult guidance and role-modeling, and for emotional support. Your own needs, too, have to be met. Every parent needs supportive relationships with other parents and non-parent adults. For single parents, these relationships may be hard to come by, in part because single parents are so busy. Sources of support include grandparents, other family members, religious and social organizations, community groups, and friends. Another possible source of support is Parents Without Partnerships, an international non-profit group for single parents, with local groups across the country. To find out more about the organization, and local groups near you, click here: http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/
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