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Single Parents
by Dr. Benjamin Spock
reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.
Parenting is a tough job
Pitfalls of single parenthood
Maintain clear boundaries
Set firm limits
More than half of the children in the US will live, for some time, in a single-parent household. At any given time, about 27% of children are in single-parent homes. By far, most (88%) of the single parents are mothers. Most single mothers and their children have incomes below the federal poverty line.
Parenting is a tough job
No question parenting is a tough job, no matter how you look at it, and being a single parent makes the job that much tougher.
You don't have a supportive partner to ease the relentless day-to-day responsibilities of raising children. Everybody and everything depends on you. You don't get a real break or vacation. If you are the only bread-winner, financial worries add to your burden. It sometimes feels as if you just don't have enough physical and emotional energy to keep it all going.
How and why you became a single parent also makes a big difference. Some of you chose to be one and have marshaled enough support from family and friends to feel confident about the road ahead. Some of you became single parents through some emotionally traumatic event--separation or divorce, abandonment, the death of a partner--and you feel that much more stress about your circumstances.
Despite the problems, single parenting has its rewards. You and your children may achieve a closeness that is not common in two-parent homes. You may discover strengths and talents that you never knew you possessed and come out of the experience a stronger, wiser person. And you should be reassured to know that the scientific literature shows that children who grow up in single-parent households usually do well, despite all the pitfalls and hardships along the way
Pitfalls of single parenthood
I want to emphasize that single parents usually do a wonderful job of raising their children, but there are hazards. In my experience, one of the most common is to treat your children as best friends and confidants. It's especially easy, for example, to say to the oldest child, "You're the woman (or man) of the family now, and I'm really depending on you." This is entirely understandable. Without a consistent partner of your own, it is tempting to confide your feelings, hopes, and dreams to your children and make them your best friends.
That may serve your needs, but what about theirs? By treating your children as peers, the line between parent and child is blurred. If you are upset about something, they will feel the responsibility of parenting you and attending to your needs.
Children have to go on with their own emotional growth and development, and this process will be interfered with if they have to act like substitute adults. While all normal children can take on extra chores and provide some emotional support to a distressed parent, no child can take on an adult role without serious consequences to her or his future emotional growth and development.
Maintain clear boundaries
Children need their parents to maintain clear boundaries from them.
This is especially true with regard to privacy. Part of growing up is for children to find their way in the world that is different from their parent's, to have relationships and secrets that the parent never knows about, and not to be preoccupied with the parent's well-being.
So I'd strongly suggest that you resist the temptation to make your child your best friend or, worse yet, your partner. Some single parents find it comforting to take their child after the first year of life into bed with them, rationalizing this one way or another. Again, this may suit mother's or father's needs, such as not to be lonely, but it may not be in the best interests of the child. He needs to remain a child and that means maintaining clear boundaries from his parent so he can find his own way.
Set firm limits
Another potential pitfall for single parents is an unwillingness to set firm limits. This may occur for the best of reasons. Many single parents feel guilty because their children are not growing up with two parents. They worry that their children are missing something essential for their healthy development. They fret that they just aren't able to spend enough time with their children. As a result, the temptation is strong to slavishly indulge the child, giving in to her every whim and neglecting to set limits.
One parent continued to give her very obese child daily hot fudge sundaes. After I talked with her a number of times, she finally began to cry and said, "I just feel so guilty that she doesn't see her father anymore and she loves the ice cream so much, I just can't say no."
It is not necessary or sensible for the parent to spoil the child with presents and kowtowing. In fact it's not wise for the parent to focus on the child for most of the time they are together, as if the child were a visiting princess. The child can be working on a hobby, doing homework, helping with the housework most of the time, while the parent does likewise. But this doesn't mean that they have to be out of touch. If they are in tune with each other they can chat and comment off and on, as the spirit moves.
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Adapted from Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care
Reviewed and revised June 30, 2000
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