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| |    Gay and Lesbian Parents: A Further Look by Dr. Benjamin Spock reviewed and revised by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. As you well know, being a parent is tough, and it's harder still if you and your child are scorned by some of mainstream society. The experience of being a gay or lesbian parent is different depending on where you live. In some communities, it is considered a totally acceptable type of family. This usually occurs in large cities where the state laws do not prosecute or condemn homosexual behavior. However, other communities so vilify nontraditional families that you might not feel comfortable even discussing the issue outside the family. That certainly makes your life tougher still. Teasing Regardless of whether your community accepts or rejects your family, one of the issues you (as well as other cultural minorities) will have to face is that of the potential teasing of your child. Like most parents, you'd like to protect your children from being hurt, even if it's not really possible. I'd suggest talking to them when they are young, explaining casually the nature of your family and how it is different from some other children's families. As your child gets older, you can discuss how some people are afraid of that which is different and that which they do not understand. When these people are afraid, they may show it by teasing or being mean. Then you might play out a few scenarios to help your child decide what to do if this occurs and to help your child explain the nature of your family to other children in a way that will help to win them over. I'd also suggest that, assuming you're open about your lifestyle, you go to your child's school to discuss with the teacher how she feels about nontraditional families, if she has noticed any problems with the other children, and if such issues are ever discussed in class. How you talk about the opposite sex Your attitude toward the opposite sex is also important. While you may choose a same-sex partner, it is important that you convey respect toward the opposite sex. Any mother who declares to her son that she hates men or sees all men in one way puts her boy in a situation where he risks losing her love if he chooses to be masculine and seeks male role models. Legal issues Since the United States does not recognize marriage between homosexuals (although Vermont now allows "civil unions"), issues of decision-making for the child in the absence of the legal parent can be sticky. It's important to consult with a lawyer about potential legal issues in your state concerning the care of your child. Many states are now addressing this issue and some are legislating greater rights for gay and lesbian parents, but other states may not. You would do well to keep informed about local, state, and federal rules as they evolve. Resources There are many books written for gay and lesbian parents that you might find useful. A few national gay and lesbian parent groups can provide you with information and support (see links below). Many communities offer support groups for children and parents to share their experiences with others in similar circumstances. There are also some terrific books for children that address issues of gay and lesbian families. Martin A. The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook: Creating and Raising Our Families. New York: Harper Collins, 1993 (available online from Amazon.com, which lists several other titles as well) Alternative family magazine: www.altfammag.com Family pride coalition: www.familypride.org
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